I am very afraid of getting sick. More specifically, of being poisoned. I am also afraid of getting sick, but the fear of being poisoned is debilitating. Schizophrenia is exactly that for me: living in fear. I am afraid of many things every day.
At school, when we have a break in the middle of class and I have to go to the bathroom, I put my water bottle in my bag. Not only that, I memorize the exact location of the water bottle in my bag so that I can be sure it hasn’t been moved when I get back. I am afraid that my classmates will poison me. They have no reason to do so. I have not wronged them in any way. There is no reality where they go around poisoning people; they are good people. But, no matter how unrealistic this thought may seem, I cannot shake it. So, every Wednesday evening at around 7:30, I hide my water bottle in my bag and examine it very carefully when I come back from the bathroom.
I remember someone telling me that a friend of his had once been poisoned with LSD. Someone had stuck an acid tablet in his bald head and the poor guy was hallucinating for 12 hours. I got so scared when I heard that I wore a hoodie for months. When I go to coffee shops, I always choose a table in the corner so I can lean against the wall – there’s no one behind me doing that.
Earlier this week, I bought a ready-made salad from the grocery store. It wasn’t properly sealed. I took a few bites and became paranoid about it, thinking someone had poisoned all the salads. I threw most of it away and skipped lunch. The thought that I was going to start seeing something or get a terrible stomachache at any moment bothered me for hours. Of course, nothing happened. No one had poisoned the salads. There was just something wrong with the packaging.
If I step away from my drink for even a second while sitting at a bar, I can’t drink it.
My doctor and I have both found that I only get paranoid in this way in certain situations. For example, I can leave my water bottle on my desk at work all day and not worry about it. I think it’s because I trust the people I work with. So I don’t think I have to worry about having dinner with my family because I believe my family wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. But I think about the people who aren’t as fortunate as I am, who don’t have the trusting environment that I do, who might have to worry about that. I want them to know that I know how they feel; that it’s a scary feeling. I want them to know that I’m sorry that they have to go through that. I know what it’s like to not trust your own mind to be unrealistic in real-world situations, and I don’t want that to happen to anyone.
Living in paranoia or fear is a part of schizophrenia that many people with this disorder have to live with every day. It’s uncomfortable, constantly wondering if someone is trying to harm you. The best we can do is limit our fear with coping mechanisms like putting your water bottle in your bag or choosing only the neatly covered salads at the grocery store. It’s important to raise awareness of what we’re dealing with so that other people can understand and empathize with why we do the things we do. Sometimes it helps to know that there are people who understand.