Never Apologize for Wanting to Heal

( From You ) As a bereaved mom, I surrender!

My stress.

My feeling like I haven’t done enough.

My attachment to outcome.

My feelings of overwhelm.

These are the things that are blocking me from feeling good today.

When I surrender, I am in a better place.

A place of trust and faith, and that allows me to see the light again.

To be the light again.

My son died 21 years ago, and these are the things dimming my light today.

However, when my grief was newer to me, those things were different.

They were deep despair, sadness, anger.

Sound familiar?

I know myself.

And like a lot of other grievers, I have a tendency to want to retreat to darkness, to hide. And I used to expect people to find me there.

People in the darkness need the light. They need to see glimpses of it. But it’s not about the the light finding them.

They need to find the light.

There is a responsibility that lies inside each person in this darkness to find the light. And that is a truth so many don’t want to face.

In the darkness of grief we sit with others who also reside in this darkness. Those who know this pain too. We comfort each other, hold hands, reassure one another.

Many are in pain waiting for the light to find them.

Others search for the light. Those are the ones who are ready to heal.

Then someone sees it! They start to move toward it. They know this light is life waiting for them.

Life that is bright and hopeful and they even see glimpses of joy!

They move toward it.

They take a few steps toward it, believing as they hold hands with the others, that they will lead them into the light too. And then they notice the grip getting tighter.

They notice those who have offered them love, understanding, and support not only don’t want to go with them, but are actually trying to hold them back from going too.

Keep going!

Keep stepping. Keep reaching. Get to the light!

Get to your life. It’s calling to you.

Get to the place where you find your strength and will be able to shine again at full voltage.

Then you can light the path for the next brave soul ready to make the journey from grief to life.

Hope for Hope

In psychology, hope is a cognitive motivational state where individuals believe they can achieve their goals through their own efforts and by developing pathways to overcome obstacles. It’s a dynamic process that involves goal-directed thinking and a sense of agency, enabling people to adapt to challenges and maintain well-being. Developed significantly by psychologist C.R. Snyder, hope involves having clear goals, the perceived ability to create paths to reach them (pathways), and the motivation to pursue those paths (agency). It is a learned skill, not just a feeling, that leads to better coping, personal growth, and overall quality of life.

I saw a man kill himself once.

No, this is not a joke, and no, I will not provide details other than it was incredibly tragic. And it led me to a thought or two.

Many of you know I suffer from major depressive disorder. There are days when I just want to end it all, where I wonder why God put me on this Earth and what possible good I can do for anyone. It’s a terrible disease, and one I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

And yet, at the same time… I sometimes think it is a gift. Because I have learned to live without hope, and sometimes that is a great ability. Only people with suicidal tendencies can truly understand hope, I think, because it is the promise of hope — not hope itself — that gets you through the darkness. The idea that one day things may improve. The lie you whisper: “One day this will change. One day this will get better. One day I’ll be… happy.”

And of course, it isn’t a lie. Things do change. Things do get better. Happiness is found if you go through enough doors and walk enough miles. You just have to go through some dark patches along the way. So people who believe that hopelessness is their reality… we can lie to ourselves. We have a disease that keeps us from believing anything good will ever happen, but more often than not we keep on going. Why? Because we hope for hope. We don’t set our sights high, we hope not for feasts but for the scraps that fall from the table.

And that is enough. It has to be. Because if you can sustain yourself long enough on those scraps… again… things change. Things get better. Things become good.

That’s a large part of why I write horror: because it’s a genre that allows me to explore the utmost terror in order to find the greatest grace. Stories that permit me to continue lying to myself. “It’ll be better. It’ll change. I’ll be happy.” Because even in the horror, even in the darkness… there is light. There is goodness.

There is hope.

I don’t know why the man did what he did last night. My prayers go out to him and to his family and loved ones.

If you hurt. If you are ill. If you look at the rafters and think which one will support your weight… Hold on. Keep lying to yourself. Keep telling yourself that if you just keep moving forward, things will change, things will get better, you will be happy.

Because, as this storyteller will tell you, sometimes the greatest truths can be found when we tell ourselves wonderful lies. Of hope.

God bless. Hug your families. Be good to each other. Never hurt yourselves.

Hope.

The Difference Between Having Hope and Getting Hopes Up About Treatments

Did you ever write a letter to Santa asking for a puppy or perhaps the new Xbox 360? And maybe Santa brought you a stuffed animal puppy or a FurReal Friend instead? Not what we meant, Santa. And maybe instead of the new Xbox he brought a new game for the totally lame game cube you’ve had for years? Or maybe something completely random like another box of Legos? I mean, come on Santa, that is so elementary school.

We’ve all gotten our hopes up for things that haven’t happened. We recover eventually, but it can be pretty disappointing. I’ve learned that with my chronic illnesses, I can’t get my hopes up every time I go see a new doctor or try a new medication. Some people have trouble understanding this, but for me, there’s a big difference between having hope and getting my hopes up. The latter of the two is the one that is much more dangerous for me.

There are a couple of reasons for this, the first being I simply see too many new doctors, each of whom comes with their own plan for therapies/treatments/medications, and not all of them work. The truth is, most of them don’t work! Chronic illnesses are very complex, and there aren’t very many approved treatments for them, so we (the doctors and patients) end up putting together treatments of our own, and it is a lot of trial and error. Our doctors work really hard for us, and I am so grateful for that! Sadly, a lot of these meds just aren’t made specifically for our conditions and so they often don’t work out. Sometimes the side effects are too much, insurance doesn’t always approve treatments and other times the medication just doesn’t help. Either way, if I thought each medication was going to be the fix-all, I would be incredibly disappointed far too often.

The second reason I try not to get my hopes up is because my illnesses are chronic. This means they likely won’t completely go away. I hope every day we find a treatment plan that allows me to live a much more comfortable and high-functioning lifestyle, but I also know (at this point) there is no cure for my illnesses, so I’m always at risk for my symptoms coming back. This can be a daunting thought, but I work with some great doctors and have a lot of hope that eventually we will figure out a way to help me get back on my feet (figuratively and literally some days!) and have more good days than bad. I guess you could say that not getting my hopes up is a sort of safety net. In order to live my life with a positive attitude and to hold onto hope for a more “normal” life, I can’t get my hopes up about each of the individual treatments my doctors give me. However, as one doctor liked to remind me, attitude does make a difference, so it’s important to have hope. This is why I make a point to stay positive and have hope that we will find the right treatment eventually! One of these days a doctor is going to choose the right treatment, and when he does, I am going to be like a kid on Christmas morning who finally got a puppy!

Because I don’t get my hopes up every time and therefore don’t get let down as easily, I am able to keep hoping every day for a better tomorrow. I hope for days with less pain. I hope for days with more activity and less napping. (Yes, I want to spend less time in bed!) I hope for times where I can eat more and expand my “safe foods.” I am hopeful I will go back to school and get my degree(s). I am hopeful for a future that holds a more “normal” lifestyle and one that that will include fewer doctor appointments and more time with friends, a job I love, and good health for my family and for myself. And I hope that one day there will be a cure for gastroparesis, dysautonomia, Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and all of the other chronic illnesses that affect me and so many other people every day.

There’s a difference between getting my hopes up and being hopeful, and I have found the balance that works for me. Albert Einstein once said, “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” I’ve learned that living one day at a time is the way to go, but hoping for a better tomorrow never hurts.

False Hope About Illness Is Worse Than No Hope

( From You ) Often people give us false hope, because they think it can help with health anxiety. But I believe false hope is worse than no hope. Why? Because it does not help us learn to live with difficult truths. Yet some people think giving or receiving false hope is better than no hope. I disagree. Let’s look at hope and health.

1. False Hope vs. Reassurance
   Once my medical practitioner told me that “things will get easier.” It had been six years since my diagnosis and treatment for breast cancer. For many, this means things will get easier: fewer worries about the cancer coming back and less chances of the cancer coming back. One of the oncologists even said I had been “cured,” while another said all that can be done had been done.

I know comments like my doctor’s are meant to reassure, made with the best of intentions. But I also know they are often meant to pacify what is interpreted as health anxiety, hopelessness, pessimism and cynicisms. What I feel is all of the above and yet none of it.

2. Health Alertness vs. Health Anxiety
   If you have been diagnosed with cancer or another life-changing or life-shortening illness, you too, may know the feeling of living with what I call constant “subtitles:”

Nothing is what it is. Nothing is like it used to be. Nothing is like we thought it would be. And we call much into question.

Comments like “But you look so well … you must not worry so much” can be unhelpful and dangerous. They can lure us into a false sense of reassurance, when we need to remain alert to changes in our bodies.

There is a very fine line between health awareness, watching out for red flag signs and irrational health anxiety.

And there is nothing right or wrong about it. There is no blueprint or manual that can tell us how to do it “right.” You, too, probably have had moments of health concerns and feeling unwell. Since my initial cancer treatment I have had many. Thankfully, the symptoms turned out to be related to other things.

Yet these are intensely frightening and dare I say traumatic moments in our lives. Each time (and increasingly so) I have to check in with myself, whether I am over-reacting and whether I will be thought of as a time waster, as someone overcome by health anxiety.

3. Coping With Health Anxiety: Professionally and Personally
   And what do I do for a living? I am a psychotherapist and I specialize in supporting people affected by cancer and loss. And people ask me, how do I square that?

Is it healthy for me “to work with cancer,” when I have been affected by cancer?
Is that not too close to home?
Does that not make things worse for me?
My truthful answer? No. Like any other therapist or counselor, cancer or no cancer, I too, have to monitor myself constantly, to see whether I am emotionally and physically fit to do the work. But how can I help others deal with their health anxiety when I, too, experience it? There would be a problem if we were to assume (wrongly in my view), that there needs to be a way of having health or cancer anxiety “sorted… done and dusted … ticked off the list.”

No. Health anxiety is normal and human. What matters is knowing how to face up to it and being able to live with it, without it standing in our way and becoming disproportionately irrational.

4. If You Are Tempted to Give Someone Hope That You Don’t Believe In
   It is understandable that we may want to reassure others – for so many reasons. Depending on how close we are, others’ despair can be hard for us to cope with. It is upsetting, especially when we don’t know what to say. We may be tempted to give false hope, anything, to reassure them and us. As I said, it is understandable. But does it really work and help you and the other person?
5. False Hope vs. Meaningful Hope
   Coping with health anxiety is about accepting our anxiety and learning to regulate it, so it does not work against our well-being. False hope gets in the way of that process. Instead we need to learn to find meaningful hope in ourselves and in our ability to be able to do the best we can, whatever may happen – illness or no illness.

It’s about hope that somehow, somewhere we will find a way out of the dark moments and places. We must not sugar-coat the truth, which is that we cannot know what is around the corner. There is no point in giving false hope, like it will get easier, because it happens to have been x number of years. Meaningful hope and reassurance can be hard to give and hard to receive.

Meaningful hope is:

The belief that despite what has happened, we can cope and live well with the here and now and with whatever may come, or not.

The fearlessness of facing up to difficult possibilities in our lives and not shying away from naming them.

The supportive silence and acknowledgement that living with subtitles of fear and mortality is not easy and requires constant focus and honest acceptance.

To be able to acknowledge that hope is hard to come by, and to keep meaningful hope is more helpful than any false hope can ever be.

My cancer did return. A local recurrence was eventually identified, after I continued to insist on further investigations. I just had not felt “right.” At the moment I feel OK.

I consider myself as living with cancer, whether there is detectable evidence or not. And I don’t consider that giving in to health anxiety.

Hope After Addiction

I’m an addict. There. I said it. I’m saying it to the world. Not only am I an addict, but I have bipolar disorder as well.

Why am I telling you this?

I’m telling you this to give you hope. I was once a trainwreck. I hit rock bottom. I was homeless. I was selling myself on the street to get by. I had no real friends, no one to turn to for advice, comfort, support. All I had were my drugs.

Oh, I denied being an addict for a long time. I couldn’t possible be one, I rationalized. My medicine was prescribed by a doctor. I didn’t get them from a dealer off the streets. I got them from a pharmacy. Legally.

But the drugs were ruining my life. I managed to claw myself up from rock bottom, even with the drugs as my support. I went back to college, I got a job, I won back custody of my daughter. I got married. I had more kids. But I was only a shell of my former self.

I denied there was a problem so well I even believed it myself. I totally rationalized needing more meds than prescribed. I rationalized the burning desire for 8 p.m. to hit every night so I could take my Ambien. I rationalized everything away.

I explained away my odd behavior to everyone. The falling asleep at inappropriate times. The slurred speech. The glazed over eyes. It was all a side effect of perfectly legal substances. Legal substances I was abusing. I struggled. My bipolar disorder didn’t help me at all to get over my addiction. In fact, the two disorders competed with each other for my attention. I was having an anxiety attack? Pop a few Xanax. My back was hurting? Pop a couple Roxicodone. I couldn’t win for losing.

With each drug of choice, there was tipping point for me to quit it. My pain specialist prescribed me something for my pain, and the package it came in read, “to be taken for opioid addiction.” What the hell? How dare they accuse me of being an addict! F*ck them. I quit the Suboxone and Roxicodone right then and there. I’d show them. I could manage just fine with Motrin from there on out. And I did.

But the addiction was still there, and I was still in denial over having it. So I continued to take the Xanax. I mean, it was prescribed, right? There was finally a day when I was super late picking up my son from the bus stop because I’d popped a few too many. This is when I realized things were out of hand. I still couldn’t quit though. It took a hospital stay after an overdose before I was finally able to stop.

But the addiction was still there. And I still had my beloved Ambien. Oh Ambien, what a nightmare you are. I would have never quit the Ambien, until my husband left me over it. He had begged for years for me to quit taking it, but I couldn’t. It wasn’t until he finally left that I woke up from the foggy haze.

I quit right then and there again. Cold turkey, never again. It took a few months for my husband and I to work through the dysfunction in our marriage, but we did it. I can now say I’ve been clean from everything for 18 months. I don’t even have a desire to take anything addictive. I refuse to have it in the house.

So what’s happened in the last 18 months? I’ve gotten my life back. I’m in tune with what my children need. I’m able to enjoy my children more fully. We’re close as a family unit. My husband and I are closer than ever. We’ve been married 8 years, and this past year has been our best year ever, even with the dysfunction we had to work through. I got into treatment for my bipolar disorder, and yes, the addiction as well. I thrived there. I graduated with a good handle on myself, and had everything in check.

Life is amazing now. I would have never realized just how wonderful life can be without struggling in the depths of hell beforehand. I just want people to know there is hope. You can rise above the addiction and be more than your addiction. You can be a writer. A mother. An aunt. An advocate. A person with worth and value. I know this is true because that’s me now. I’m all of those things and more.

I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s harder than hell to rise above the shame and guilt over being an addict. It took me a lot of intensive therapy and the support of a loving family to do it. And you’ll need support. I definitely did. It takes a village to help an addict recover. But it can be done. I know this is true because I did it. And I know others can, too.

Hope When All Feels Lost

( From You ) I’ve been feeling absolutely pants this week, worse than I have for a while, and it’s already been a crappy winter.

Sometimes I think the universe is trying to make sure I don’t give up when it feels I’m close to quitting.

So today I am grateful for hope. I’m grateful someone, somewhere out there wants me to keep going and find the strength to keep fighting, when to be honest, I just want to quit and hide in my cave until further notice.

Hope is a powerful tool. Hope is basically positivity — thinking things can and will get better, even if they might not. It would be so easy to give into the bitterness I occasionally feel. How unfair it all seems that I got stuck in this body and have to live each day with pain that causes silent tears to spring from within, despite my best efforts to hide them.

I caught up with a really important old friend in the last few days, and he said to me, “I let go of the bitterness early on, nothing good can come from that.” We were talking about our failed marriages at the time, but it made me think actually he’s so right, not just about the hurt and pain you feel when a relationship ends or you lose a loved one, but also the bitterness that can eat you alive when you lose a job, a friend, a house — your health. Negative emotions can be so damaging if we let them set down roots deep inside us.

This week has been a time of mixed emotions. I have been battling with some of the highest pain levels I’ve experienced for a while, a real peak of unpleasantness that has wiped me out, and I’ll be honest, has made me want to quit. Like quit everything — not in the sense that I want to die but in the sense that I want someone else to swoop in and plonk me in a hospital or something where I no longer have to manage my meds, my home, my life. There, no one expects you to work, make the dinner, to write, to help with maths, to do laundry, do they? I just wanted to be left alone.

After nearly two years, this week my ex asked for his belongings. I should have thrown some of these things out awhile ago, but how could I throw a lifetime of memories in the skip? But after all this time, I felt lighter and tears flowed freely as I found I could finally move on, I could let some of the bitterness go. The rush of liberating endorphins combined with the rush of pain at lifting these endless boxes totally floored me, and I wondered if I would get up again.

Then I opened a bag shoved inside a box I was to return.

Out spilled a lifetime of memories. An entire life captured in still images flowed over my sore legs until I was surrounded by every person I’ve known in my life. Each friend I have laughed with. Each man I’ve loved. Each family member I grew alongside. Every place I’ve been. My grandparents, now gone from this life. My babies, oh my babies, so small, and me looking so ill and young and afraid. I selected a few hundred and began the process of digitalizing and uploading them — some of the best memories of my life — sharing them with friends I’ve long lost touch with and some I see regularly but often forget just how far we go back. What a privilege and pleasure it was to give some documented history to the people who have shared my life so far.

Among these pictures are some I will keep but never share. Because within them they hold so much pain. There’s one of me holding my 4-month-old son awkwardly, my arm in a cast and looking exhausted, older than I do now and just utterly broken and beaten down. In this picture, the woman, the mother, was holding so many secrets inside. She was dying a little every day. She was scared. She felt trapped. She was lost. She was alone. She had lied to every person who loved her and many who didn’t, to protect her baby.

She had lost all hope.

She was 21.

Me. That was me. I never ever in the moments that picture and others like it were taken, could have imagined I would be where I am now. I had lost my hope, my dignity, my pride, my whole self and lied about it at the time to the only people who could have saved me.

Now, 18 years later, yes, I have a failed marriage, four children by two fathers, no paid job and my health is worse, but I have hope. I have peace. I know who I am and what I cannot and will not tolerate anymore. I worked my butt off in those decades to qualify in two professions. I was successful in both until my health deteriorated. I gained a high level of education. I traveled a little. I learned new skills. I met new people. I read more books. I listened and learned from those I encountered in all the spaces and places I entered. I tried to help anyone I came across who needed a part of me, in case they also felt lost and alone. I think I’ve made a positive difference, even if it’s just a smile or an ear when there is no one else around. I am still fighting to give myself a new occupation and purpose. I forged a new life from the ashes of who I used to be.

I found hope.

I found peace.

I “let go of the bitterness because nothing good can ever come of that.”

So even when the darkness tries to take you, just hold on that little bit longer, as you never know when that email from an editor, that message from a friend or that photograph reminding you how far you’ve come, might fall into your lap.

There is always hope, even when all seems lost.

Hope is you.

It’s your mind. Your truth.

You.

No one can ever take that away.

Cancer: When Hope Is All You Have

I have incurable cancer. However, I prefer to think of it as a chronic illness, as does my oncologist. I can’t thank her enough for setting my head straight on this right out of the gate. A cancer diagnosis is never pretty, regardless of the stage or type. It’s still cancer, and it’s scary as hell.

My initial diagnosis was stage 4 metastatic prostate cancer. That meant treatment would be systemic, so I wouldn’t have to go through prostate surgery. If there was any good news, that was it. Yeah, chemo was the good news. I can find a silver lining in anything.

Unlike most cancer patients, I never had the “you have cancer” moment. I simply wasn’t feeling well, had some lab work done, and a few days later learned my PSA was incredibly elevated (5,306). At that point, advanced prostate cancer was more or less a given, and a prostate biopsy would soon confirm it. Fourteen out of 14 cores were a Gleason 9 or 10, giving me an overall Gleason score of 9 (5+4). Having an advanced prostate cancer diagnosis meant we’d have to go straight into treatment before I really had a chance to absorb the diagnosis.

My oncologist and I mutually agreed not to talk prognosis. My case was not terminal (as in “you’ve got three months to live”), so we wanted to focus solely on treatment from day one. As I would soon discover, it’s imperative to save all your energy — physical and mental — for the treatment to come. The toxicity of chemotherapy can vary, but experiencing some side effects is pretty much guaranteed. My cancer was advanced and aggressive, so chemo was the best shot at getting it under control.

A driving force behind prognosis is statistics. Survival statistics deal with aggregate numbers and group trends, not individuals. Every person and every cancer is different. I was a living, breathing human being, not a point on a trendline, and I wanted to keep it that way. Nor did I want to go down the path to self-fulfilling prophecy. All I needed to know about five-year survival rates was that there was a curve and then a really long tail. Call me an optimist, but an outlier on the end of that tail was the only place I wanted to be.

A quick warning, because I learned this the hard way: If you ever decide to search the internet for your type and stage of cancer, you will invariably get the spoiler of all spoilers whether you want it or not. It’s out there and almost impossible not to see, so consider yourself warned. However, I found gaining knowledge of my disease very empowering, as it gave me the ability to ask my doctors questions, which in turn gave me some sense of control over my treatment.

Another important thing I learned, and trust me on this: your oncologist will become the single most important person in your life. If your oncologist is not, then you’ve got the wrong oncologist. I can’t stress this enough. Same goes for your entire medical team, and I do hope you’re lucky enough to have one. From the very start, it’s been a group effort involving me, my GP and his nurse, my urologist, my oncologist and her nurse, and an onco-psychologist. You may see these people more than you see your family, but unlike your family, you do have some say in choosing your medical team. Choose wisely, you won’t regret it.

One thing I won’t do is use words like fighter, or warrior, or survivor. It’s perfectly fine if it helps you by identifying with any of those terms. If that’s the case, then I absolutely encourage you to do so. But for me, I prefer simply to say that I’m “living with cancer,” because that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’ll be living with cancer for the rest of my life, and that’s just the reality of the matter. The inescapable fact is that one day, I will die with cancer, or die from it.

One word I won’t hesitate using is “hope.” To quote New York Times bestselling author Karen White from her novel “The Time Between:”

Sometimes hope is all we have, and to lose that is to lose all.

Songs That Offer Hope With Infertility

“He Said” by Group 1 Crew

So your life feels like it don’t make sense
And you think to yourself, “I’m a good person”
So why do these things keep happening?
Why you gotta deal with them?

“The Waiting” by Jamie Grace

What will it look like?
What will it be like?
When my world turns out like you planned.
When will I get there? Feels like I’m nowhere…

“A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more…

“Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn’t mean I’m lonely when I’m alone
What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn’t mean I’m over cause you’re gone

“Fight Song” by Rachel Platten

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m all right song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

“Broken Together” by Casting Crowns

What do you think about when you look at me
I know we’re not the fairy tale you dreamed we’d be
You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand
And we dove into a mystery…

“Trust In You” by Lauren Daigle

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

“Beautiful Things” by Gungor

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way?
I wonder if my life could really change at all?
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

“Help Me Find It” by Sidewalk Prophets

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment..

“Wake Me Up” by Avicii

Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can’t tell where the journey will end…
So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost…

“The Climb” by Miley Cyrus

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down,
But no, I’m not breaking…

”I Won’t Give Up” by Jason Mraz

I won’t give up on us, even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love, I’m still looking up…

“I Will Wait” by Mumford & Sons

But I’ll kneel down
Wait for now
And I’ll kneel down
Know my ground
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

“Overcomer” by Mandisa

You’re an overcomer
Stay in the fight ‘til the final round
You’re not going under
‘Cause God is holding you right now
You might be down for a moment
Feeling like it’s hopeless
That’s when He reminds You
That you’re an overcomer…

“Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield

Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten…

Balancing Hope and Reality With Chronic Illness

I’ve been navigating this chronic disability life for almost three years now. I’ve felt I’ve “figured it out” more times than I can count, and even more than I’d like to admit. That feeling inevitably gets trampled on when life feels chaotic and the list of things I wish I could accomplish gets to be a mile long. When I can look anywhere in my house and spot a few things I so badly want to do. I want to accomplish these things with every core in my being. So much so I will run myself to bedridden day after day until I physically and mentally cannot overcome the pain during the day. Then, I crash hard, but my brain continues to accumulate tasks, so the anxiety and hopelessness increase day by day, sometimes hour by hour or minute by minute.

That is the place I currently reside. It’s Sunday, I haven’t had the house cleaners in for a couple weeks and it will be another two before they come. The floors are a mess, the walls are a complete disaster, the laundry is piled up, every surface is caked with dirt, the fish tanks need cleaning, plants need watering, school needs planning, humans need nourishing. The devil’s advocate on one shoulder shouts, “Give it up, give in, this is how you will always feel, get over it.” While on my other shoulder, a less aggressive voice says, “It’s OK, don’t worry, wipe the list clean, take it minute by minute.”

It seems obvious which voice to listen to, but when you’re living it, that choice is no longer so clear. At my core, I’m a black-and-white person. I will always initially gravitate to extremes. Over the years, I’ve gotten fairly good at recognizing the error of that type of thinking. I’ve also gotten pretty good at catching myself swinging to the extremes and bringing myself back to the often confusing middle ground. This pull toward extremes paired with stubbornness and a (faulty) belief my value lies in my ability, makes for some really difficult days sometimes.

It makes it incredibly easy to push myself much farther than I should: “I must do it all.”

It makes it hard to allow grace: “I don’t have to do it all.”

It makes it almost impossible to find satisfaction in the things I can and do accomplish: “Yay! I made and cleaned up supper!”

The ironic thing is those happy thoughts from accomplishing a long list of tasks each day are very fleeting and quickly replaced by thoughts which make me feel much less happy.

As I type this, it is -30 degrees Celsius outside and I’m sitting on my bed while the sun shines brightly, making it feel like a warm spring day inside. I’m taking a few minutes to clear my mind (by allowing my fingers to make sense of my thoughts), take some deep breaths, bring myself back to my reality.

For the last couple weeks, I’ve tried, and almost succeeded, in performing day-to-day tasks of a stay-at-home mom. I’ve felt satisfied and accomplished. I’ve also gone to bed barely walking every night. This weekend, the facade of this act has come to the surface. I’ve been irritable, extremely fatigued, unmotivated and emotional — all sure signs I’ve been ignoring the physical signs my body couldn’t handle the amount I was forcing it to do.

I’ve danced this dance a thousand times over the last three years, and still, I surprise myself when I allow it to happen again. I describe this as my foolishness, but I suppose at a much deeper level, this foolishness is wrapped up in hope. The hope of functioning 100% normally has been long since buried. I actually remember the day I realized it needed to be buried. Yet, it’s that very hope that emerges on the days I’m feeling energetic enough to push through the pain.

Is hope wrong? No, I don’t think so, but I also think it needs to be cushioned by a bit of a reality. I will almost certainly never return to what once was my life. Maintaining that hope would (and does) result in feelings of hopelessness, as day after day my condition deteriorates.

So, instead I consciously place my hope in a more realistic scenario. My hope is my body will soon stabilize in a predictable day-to-day ability. I’m ready to run toward that hope and to actively work toward that goal. I’m going to be getting help to be able to achieve that through a really neat chronic pain program that is run in my city. In the meantime, I’ll continue to try and control my thoughts and expectations so I don’t end up here on my bed writing out another post about how I pushed myself to the brink again.

Have Hope for Mental Health Recovery

What’s the point of hoping?

The point is that things can get better. It sounds super corny, I know, but it’s true. Life isn’t stagnant, and neither are its challenges. The hard parts of life suck, no one is going to argue about that. But life is a lot like a roller coaster; there are the ups and the downs. We enjoy the ups, and there is never a down that lasts forever; the coaster always heads up again. And hope is what makes the downs a little easier, knowing that what you’re going through will eventually end.

It’s been so long since I had hope. How do I do it again?

It’s not like riding a bike; it’s OK to forgot how to do it. You just have to get back up and try it again. You hope by first recognizing the struggles you are in now. You can’t have hope if you don’t realize you need it. Then you have to understand that “life roller coaster” analogy, knowing you just happen to be in a down when an up is on the way. Then, it takes patience, which may be the hardest part. Waiting may feel like doing nothing, but hope requires active patience. Active patience is holding your head up high, smiling when it feels impossible, and turning your thoughts towards the future.

Isn’t hope just impractical?

Hope is what keeps us alive. It’s what sets us free when we feel trapped. Accepting the idea that change is possible is the first step in making it happen. You have to hope for a better life which is nowhere near delusional. But don’t go overboard; don’t hope for a perfect life, as that will only lead to disappointment. Hope for the next up in the ride, not a coaster of all ups. A coaster with all ups is a straight line, therefore it has no ups at all. Stay positive, stay hopeful, but hope for what can be, not what cannot.

I’m so tired of fighting, I don’t think I have it in me to hope.

You’ve fought hard; you have the right to be tired. What you’re going through is not easy, it’s not fun and it’s not without pain and sacrifice. But hope is something you can hold onto no matter how hard it is. In the midst of fighting your struggles, hope is your fuel, your fire for your fight. When you have a moment to breathe, hope is a shield to keep you safe for a little while longer. Your hope not only helps you look forward to change, but can be the change.

Habits That Can Cause Chronic Illness Fighters to Lose Hope

Do you ever talk to yourself? I know I do. I talk to myself all the time, and most of the time I am beating myself up. I believe one of the biggest issues we face with chronic illness is letting ourselves fall into a cycle of self-doubt. We begin to form a wide variety of bad habits that cause us to lose hope.

I have been polling chronic illness fighters to understand what habits they have that need to change. I believe that the first step in self improvement is the realization that there are some habits that just need to go away. I will be the first to admit, I was overwhelmed with the feedback that I received. Hundreds of people responded with their top bad habits.

My hope is that you will take this list and start to reflect on your own bad habits. What habits do you need to change?

Believing your thoughts are the truth.

Feeling guilt.

Blaming yourself for your illness.

Worrying about what other people think.

Explaining yourself to others.

Staying in a non-supportive relationship.

Not laughing for fear that people may mistake your smile for feeling healthy.

Worrying about tomorrow.

Focusing on what you can’t do — concentrate on how you can do it!

Comparing yourself to others with chronic illness.

Selling your capabilities short due to fear.

Not living your life when it’s the only one we get.

Stressing out about limits.

Pushing past your limits just because other people say you can’t.

Calling yourself negative names when frustrated.

Listening to other people who have never been where you are.

Hanging around negative and toxic people.

Letting your illness define who you are. Only you can define yourself.

Spending to much time on social media.

Overthinking the “what if’s” in life. Chronic illness affects each of us differently.

Comparing yourself to your former self.

Overdoing it when you feel good.

Saying sorry for every little thing you can not control.

Having self doubts.

Expecting your family and friends to understand what you’re feeling.

Trying to accommodate other people’s needs.

Denying or hiding your limitations.

Thinking your disease is a weakness of character. You’re not lazy, you have a chronic illness.

The all-or-nothing mentality — think progress.

Asking “Am I doing everything I can to help myself?” No one can do everything.

Being a perfectionist and feeling like if you didn’t get something done you failed.

Worrying about the future. Our thoughts can bring so much fear. Focus on Now.

Insomnia

Insomnia is a common sleep disorder that can make it hard to fall asleep or stay asleep. It also can cause you to wake up too early and not be able to get back to sleep. You may still feel tired when you wake up. Insomnia can drain your energy level and affect your mood.

Based on studies conducted in multiple countries, about 30 percent of adults struggle with insomnia, and 10 percent of them experience daytime distress because of a lack of sleep. You can find theories about what causes insomnia and how to treat it all over the place, but what do the world’s major religions have to say about the matter?

Insomnia is more than an inability to sleep.

It’s this overwhelming feeling of being too exhausted but restless.

Anxiety is a clock that never stops ticking away the hours.

Chronic pain brings tossing and turning relentlessly with no relief.

“Insomnia comes in many shapes and sizes: it can be the result of chronic pain, anxiety, or just exist on its own.”

You try everything that’s supposed to help.

Melatonin

Reading

Turning off your phone

Home remedies

Going to bed earlier

White Noise

Soft Music

binaural beats

Cuddling

Exercising

Yoga

No caffeine

Meditating

Praying

Counting sheep

Trying every single online article trick from counting backwards by threes to balancing chakras.

And get irritated when you’re told that you aren’t trying hard enough.

You are more exhausted getting up then when you first lay down.

Getting 3 hours of sleep in the 12 hours you lay there is a good night.

But you still never truly feel refreshed upon waking.

Yet you’re an expert at looking like you’ve gotten 9 hours of sleep.

You’re not lazy, you’re too tired to function.

It’s the endless cycle of being frustrated that you can’t sleep, and that frustration then making it harder to sleep.

When someone tells you they have insomnia, don’t say “I have trouble falling asleep sometimes too.”

Listen.

Audiobooks Can Help Insomnia

My first experience with insomnia happened four years ago, when I was on the steroid prednisolone. One of the common side effects is the inability to sleep. Until that point I had never experienced this.

It was awful. Tossing and turning in the darkness, while the hours seemed to last forever. By the time I’d managed to fall asleep it would be a light and disturbed one, frequented by sudden jolts to consciousness. Either that or I’d simply be wide awake for over half the night.

Although I’m no longer on prednisolone, this particular side effect seemed to remain long after my final dose, partly due to stress and anxiety. I thought I’d never have an easy night’s sleep again, until one day I discovered the power of audiobooks.

Late at night, and feeling desperately tired, I selected “Ready Player One” by Ernest Cline on my iPod and was amazed at how quickly my body seemed to relax as I listened. Even if I couldn’t get to sleep, the simple action of listening to a great story de-stressed my body and mind to the point where the rest I was getting was as near to sleep as possible.

It was such a simple solution, but I’d never thought of it before.

It seems that everyone is eager to suggest a “magic cure” to insomnia — from leaving a window open at night to eye masks — if you mention it to them. Although this isn’t a cure, it truly helped me, and without audiobooks, I doubt I’d sleep as soundly as I do now.

Whatever the cause of your insomnia, I can’t recommend audiobooks enough – even if you can’t sleep; they may help you relax and mean the hours you spend awake aren’t wasted.

When the Fibro Insomnia Strikes

100, 99, 98, 97, 96 – Hey, I bet you know what I’m doing. Lying in bed, very tired and ready to go to sleep. At least my body is ready. My mind, on the other hand, has other things going on. Now, where was I? I don’t remember, I’ll just start over.

100, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95 – Maybe I should start at a lower number. I’ll try to start at 90 next time. But since I’m still awake, I’ll make a mental note of the things we need at the grocery store. I probably won’t remember them in the morning, but here goes anyway. Milk, eggs, flour, fruit – wait, I need to make banana bread with the bananas we didn’t eat this week. They’re way too ripe for me to just eat. I don’t know when I’ll feel like baking, so I’ll put them in the freezer tomorrow. OK, let me try this again. Starting at 90.

90, 89, 88, 87 – If I go to sleep now, I’ll have five hours before I need to get up to go to my appointment. Ugh, the dentist. Although I like my dentist, it’s just the dentist. What are they going to find this time? I brush like I’m supposed to, but it seems they always find something. Umm, trying again.

90, 89, 88, 97, 96 – Wait, that’s not right. I’m so tired I can’t even think straight to count sheep backwards. I guess I could try counting up, but that’s not worked in the past. Let me try the relaxation exercise I learned at the seminar. Lie still and envision a peaceful place like a meadow and a warm light is flooding over me as a healing hand. This healing light is working its way through my system calming my nerves. Yeah, that helps some. Oh, I wish it would really work on my neck and shoulders. That’s what has really been bothering me for the last month. Oops, now I’m tense again. I wonder what time it is now. I’ll bet an hour has passed. Nope, just a few minutes and I’m still wide awake. OK, one more time.

100, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, uh 94, 93 – It might work this time. Oh man, why did I even think that? This counting thing isn’t working for me tonight. I should just get up and write the story that is keeping me awake. I’m sure others will be able to identify with this one.

So, you know how it goes. You lie in bed tired and hurting from the day and can’t find a comfortable position. It takes a while, but one finally works. You lie there waiting for the sweet release of sleep, but it evades you. Why? During the day (if you’re like I am), ideas do not come easily. It’s a struggle to keep focused and get the chores done. But the minute you lie in bed, your mind goes in all directions with things you want to do. Perhaps you’ve seen or heard the comic where ideas are running from you during the day but running to you at night when you’re trying to sleep. That’s me.

This is my definition of insomnia:

I
Need
Sleep
Or
My
Nerves
Increasingly
Ache

It’s not much fun and I know you agree with me. Whether your insomnia is a symptom of fibromyalgia like mine, depression, anxiety or other issues, it affects us all in similar ways. We grow weary in body, spirit, mind and emotion. How can we divert this weariness?

I wish I had the answers. If I did, I wouldn’t be up in the middle of the night writing this article. Ha! However, as always, I’m learning how to deal with it in my own unique way. Like tonight, I figured I should just get up and write what was going through my head. It’s kind of therapeutic anyway. Some nights, I’ll get up and read or explore Pinterest for that next project I probably won’t actually do. Other nights, I talk to God and pray for my family, friends and the issues that are going on in the world. I remember positive things that happened throughout the day and things that brought a smile to my face.

What ways can you find that peaceful sleep without tossing and turning? Write a letter to a friend, draw a picture of how you’re going to plant your garden, read a book, color or simply meditate on positive things in your life. It will probably take a few things to help you avoid insomnia but keep looking. If one doesn’t work, try another. You’ll be more refreshed and hopefully you will eventually overcome it on a regular basis.

I hope this article found you sleeping well! I think I’ll try to get some zzzz’s now. Good morning.

When Your Insomnia Won’t Go Away

No one expects a high schooler to have insomnia, but it happens. I would lay in bed and look at the ceiling until almost two hours before I had to be up. I was drained. I was confused. It’s like my body was moving out of habit and not out of a real need to.

Sadly, that was almost 40 years ago. Insomnia affects 33 percent to 50 percent of the adult population. Whereas I am lucky enough to have chronic insomnia, which affects 10 percent to 15 percent of the population, according to the Cleveland Clinic. What’s so bad about insomnia is how it affects your ability to do things during the day. And with me being a mom of a child with disabilities, I have to be on my ball game at all times.

There are several insomnia symptoms that are particularly difficult. They are:

Difficulty falling asleep at night. One can only watch so much Netflix.
Irritability, depression and anxiety. I have meds for these too. It’s not fair.
Difficulty paying attention. My focus and my memory are bad. I tend to do things wrong quite often.
Struggling to get along with people because I am irritable and depressed.
The next day I have a feeling like I haven’t slept at all.

Most insomnia doctors will recommend the same tips for better sleep. They are:

Avoid watching television or reading a book in bed.
Use the bedroom for only sleep and sexual activity.
Avoid eating large meals or drinking a lot of water in the evening.
Eat a light snack before bed.
Make sure the room has a comfortable temperature and is dark.
And take your medication, if the doctor has prescribed you a prescription to help you sleep. I take Ambien. Though I don’t like to take it every night. And I take melatonin.

If you feel like you might have insomnia, call your doctor. Sometimes a sleep test is necessary. Other times it will be a question and answer session followed by you most likely keeping a diary for a while. Insomnia is serious. So don’t take it lightly.

How You Can Prevent Chronic Insomnia

Millions of Americans have trouble sleeping and chronic insomnia is much more common than people realize. In many cases, simple lifestyle changes can work wonders in helping you get a good night’s sleep. When you learn how you are sabotaging your sleep patterns, you can make the necessary changes and begin to fall asleep much easier, and stay asleep for longer periods of time.

What Causes Insomnia?

There are a number of factors that can cause insomnia:

Anxiety
Major life changes
Depression
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
Certain medications like asthma, or cold medicines
Use of caffeine, tobacco or alcohol
Exposure to light at night, such as through smartphone or computer screens
How Do You Know If You Have Insomnia?

You may have one or more of the following symptoms:

Difficulty in falling asleep at night
Waking up too early
Waking up during the night and having trouble falling asleep again
Feeling tired after a night’s sleep
Difficulty in paying attention or concentrating on tasks
How Do You Get Rid of Insomnia?

Chronic insomnia doesn’t have to be a problem. Take the initiative to find the underlying cause. Once you know what is keeping you awake, you can begin to take the steps you need to change your situation.

Create Healthy Habits

Creating healthy habits means you have to take a close look at some of the things you do during an ordinary day.

Eliminate caffeine – if you must have coffee, drink decaf
Improve your diet by eliminating junk foods that contain additives and preservatives, and replace them with fresh foods that are not processed
Include natural supplements to support what your diet does not provide
Exercise regularly to keep your body at peak efficiency
Learn to Calm the Mind and Body

Relaxing the mind is just as important as relaxing the body. Yoga and Pilates allow you to combine exercise with various levels of meditation to achieve a simple balance. They help to relieve your stress, anxiety and frustration that will keep your mind running hours into the night. Include the following in your daily routine:

Stretch several times throughout the day.
Include a few meditation exercises in your daily routine.
Try yoga and combine both to create a peaceful, relaxing time that will allow you to de-stress and clear your mind before you try to sleep.
What Can Be Done to Prevent Insomnia?

Changes take time, but once you start implementing the following, you will gradually realize you are sleeping much better.

Basic Tips to Prevent Insomnia

Create a healthy routine around your bedtime.

Remove televisions and computers from your bedroom.

Make sure the cell phone is placed as far as possible away from your bed.

If you use your phone as your alarm clock, buy a conventional alarm to keep near your bed.

Try to go to bed at the same time each night.

Establish a routine and stick to it.

If it becomes hard for you to complete regular activities during the day, visit your doctor to find out the cause of the problem, and how insomnia can be cured or prevented.

Borderline Personality Disorder Complicates Insomnia

It’s 3 a.m. when I write this article. I haven’t slept in over 24 hours and I’m tired of staring at my ceiling. I don’t know what the cause of my inability to sleep is; it might be a hormonal imbalance of melatonin or a standard sleep disorder, but the reality is that my borderline personality disorder (BPD) only makes insomnia darker and more difficult.

Fighting feelings of emptiness, trying to keep a solid mood to not get angry at my teammates and restricting impulsive behavior takes its toll on a daily basis. The issue arises that a lot of my work is completed in the evenings and switching off when it comes to bedtime is a struggle. For not one second do I think I am the only person who feels this way, and I have complete sympathy to those who are in my situation. Twist, turn, look at the clock, twist, turn, look at the ceiling and repeat; this is a process which I go through many times every single night. The bottom line is: it has made me enter into a vicious cycle. I know it will lead me into a dark chapter of my life in the near future. As each day passes my sleep deficit increases, my body feels weaker and my energy levels decrease. Even now I feel deflated as if I’ve run a marathon.

BPD is a disorder which you cannot switch off, as much as I believe any person who struggles with it will try. I can try to convince myself it’s not so bad, or I might be having a good day, but I will always be brought back down to earth at some point. The physical and mental energy which is expelled on a daily basis trying to present myself as a “normal” employee in a sector where a great stigma to mental health issues still stands is exhausting. To then come home to prepare agendas for my next day, send emails and study for two qualifications should mean I sleep like a baby every night. Instead, I roll into bed at a reasonable time, body shaking and in pain, only to be greeted by my brain being wide awake. I know this is a condition which is tragic for my system.

What does the future hold? Well, a week in the hospital at a sleep clinic is the next step in the process. Is this satisfactory? Not really, but what is another set of daily pills or weekly visits to the hospital? Becoming a person who runs off medication is something I’m sure a lot of readers are familiar with, but it is important to remember you are not alone; we are together and we will come through this stronger and better for it.

Insomnia is a real problem many people struggle with. The complications are nasty, and while my BPD is not to blame, it definitely contributed too many sleepless nights for myself.

Inside the Mind of Someone

Say you’re lying in bed. It’s a Tuesday night, 3 a.m. For some reason, although you usually retire around 11:30 p.m., you’re wide awake.

Unsurprisingly, there’s nothing on TV. No one online. You don’t have any good books to read. We, as humans in today’s society, have not been taught how to adequately entertain ourselves at three in the morning. However, we (as humans in today’s society) have also not been taught how to handle boredom — at all.

As a result, you begin to cycle through a range of emotions. First, you are confused at your lack of sleep (despite our exhaustion). Next, you begin to feel angry, verging on infuriated. (Why can we not sleep? What control do we even have over our bodies, anyway?) After that, you experience a sense of desperation and self-pity. You may begin bargaining with you inner monologue for even an hour of shut-eye before the sun rises. After these seemingly inescapable emotions, you (…as a human in today’s society…) inexplicably feel a sense of defeat, and give up. You lie awake, dutifully accepting your fate as a sleepless zombie until further notice.

The issue is not giving up. Instead, the issue is what begins to happen once we have done so.

You brain begins falling through thoughts, growing deeper and deeper the longer you linger in the strange sense of awake that’s somewhere between helpless and apathetic. You think of things we actively avoid throughout the day, not out of ignorance, but rather out of self-preservation. Melancholy can’t even touch you as you wade further into the depths of your own subconscious. You recognize fears and doubts and realities in a way you will never be able to fully shake off.

You begin to brainwash yourself.

Your brain is now held captive by what might-as-well be a Somalian pirate in the Tom Hanks movie that is your life. Negative thoughts and anxious concerns are flying through the air at 100 miles per hour, yet your brain seems to catch them all without hesitation. You are your own dream catcher — trapping the nightmares in a place you seem to be unable to access. It’s as if the thoughts have a mind of their own, and in a lot of ways, they do.

As you watch the sunrise, you realize the lines start to blur between “yesterday” and “today.” The thoughts that plagued you throughout the night seem have called shot-gun for the day ahead. You did not get to stretch and yawn as the sun came streaming in through your blinds, shaking yourself free of the dreams you experienced the night before. Are you supposed to go about the next day like the hours between midnight and 6 a.m. didn’t exist? As if you didn’t spend the last eight hours watching your fears and worries grow legs and manifest themselves in front of your face? As if you weren’t just locked in a room with nothing but yourself and your own psyche? How do you put yourself together to face the day without this baggage dragging behind you?

The answer, unfortunately, is you don’t. Because the “you” you knew before the past eight hours is no longer there. The “you” you knew before crying in bed, rocking yourself to (what-should’ve-been) sleep, doesn’t exist. Those evolved fears and doubts took on a shape, a face, and they bear a striking resemblance to the you-that-used-to-be.

So, you get out of bed. You start your day, realizing you can’t un-think, un-hear, or un-learn anything. You can’t go back and give yourself those hours of sleep, or take back any of the waking-nightmares you seemed to have faced. No matter if you never have a sleepless night again — those hours you missed will never be replaced.

You have insomnia. And there’s no going back.

Secrets of People Who Live With Insomnia

Insomnia — difficulty falling or staying asleep — is more than just an inconvenience to the people who live with it. It’s a condition with symptoms including fatigue, low energy, difficulty concentrating, mood disturbances and more. The National Institutes of Health estimates that roughly 30 percent of the general population complains of sleep disruption, according to the National Sleep Foundation.

1. “Tired doesn’t begin to describe it. Your mind never stops.”
2. “When I say I don’t sleep, I really mean it! Even at the sleep studies, I sleep for less than 20 minutes of every hour. It’s been nearly eight years since I slept well.”
3. “No matter how tired my body is, my mind won’t shut off. And no, turning off my TV and cell phone hours before [bed] won’t help. Neither will relaxing in a hot bath. Trust me, you mention it, I’ve probably tried it.”
4. “Insomnia is not only robbing you of something you need, it’s robbing you of one of life’s simplest pleasures. To be told I would choose to miss out on the deliciousness of a good night’s rest is insulting and absurd.”
5. “I feel so alone.”
6. “This is affecting my entire life. I can’t make plans because I never know if I’ll get enough sleep to carry out those plans. Less than two weeks ago I had to ask someone else to drive my husband to a clinic for outpatient surgery. I had been awake for 38 hours straight and didn’t feel that it was safe for me to drive. I was absolutely devastated that I wasn’t able to be there for him.”
7. “It’s not just that I am tired. I am defeated. I lost another night of sleep.”
8. “I’m not complaining that I’m tired just to be complaining. I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted pretty much every single day. That doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference most times because my whole body is wired and feels like there are bees going throughout it. I can lay in bed for hours and still not sleep, and if I’m lucky to get a few hours, that’s all it is, a few hours. And most times it’s not even consecutive hours.”
9. “Anything can trigger a bad bout of insomnia. What helped it the last time may not work next time.”
10. “Going to bed earlier doesn’t work. Neither does ‘having a lie-in’ nor ‘just stop thinking about things.’ If one more person tells me to ’empty my mind’ I think I might need bail money.”
11. “Please stop getting angry with me for not coming to bed with you. It’s not my fault.”
12. “It’s not fun being called lazy when you haven’t had a full night of sleep in weeks. It’s not a choice or because I ‘like to party on work nights.’ It’s just nearly impossible to function when you’re exhausted.”
13. “Taking a ‘nap’ for two hours doesn’t fix weeks of little sleep. That’s just passing out from sheer exhaustion.”
14. “Staying up late isn’t a privilege. It’s torture.”
15. “Yes, I am tired. No, taking naps isn’t ‘ruining my sleep pattern,’ because I don’t have one. No, it’s not because I’m online playing or watching TV all night.”
16. “I’m not lazy. I’m exhausted from lack of sleep.”
17. “I want to sleep. I know I need to, but my mind is full and I can’t make it shut down. I literally have to work my brain out to exhaustion. I have to write, research and plan whatever it is my mind won’t shut up about.”
18. “It seeps into every other aspect of my life. It takes a toll physically, emotionally and psychologically. Lack of sleep means lack of a normal life.”

Things I Do to Manage My Insomnia

1. Limit sugar, caffeine and alcohol

Sugar and caffeine are both stimulants. Eating sugar causes a spike in blood glucose levels, causing an immediate stimulation of the brain. Caffeine acts on the central nervous system to increase alertness and attention. It can stay in your system for up to 12 hours – not so good if you are prone to insomnia! Alcohol may help you fall asleep more quickly, but you will spend less time in a deep sleep, and more time in the less restful REM or rapid eye movement stage of sleep. In addition you may have to visit the toilet more often during the night…

2. Avoid exercising close to bedtime

The jury is divided on whether exercising before bedtime affects sleep quality. If you struggle with insomnia, it is worth experimenting on exercising at different times of the day. Personally, I find exercising in the evening delays sleep and impairs my sleep quality. I avoid it completely.

3. Avoid watching television, using a computer or mobile phone before bedtime

In the evening, our bodies produce a hormone called melatonin that helps us feel sleepy, fall asleep and stay asleep till daylight. It then naturally dissipates. However, televisions, computers and mobile phones emit blue light, which can prevent the body from producing melatonin. If you struggle with insomnia you may find it helpful to avoid watching television, using a computer or mobile phone two to three hours before bedtime. Bloggers, please take note!

4. Keep to a regular bedtime

Our brains and bodies are subject to a circadian rhythm which regulates our sleeping patterns, our energy levels and appetite…

I was born a lark, and always feel better going to bed and waking up early. Sadly, I find even occasional late nights a problem, as my circadian rhythm takes a very long time to return to its usual balance. Sometimes, I decide it is simply not worth it.

5. Epsom salt baths

Epsom salts are rich in the mineral magnesium, which helps to regulate neurotransmitters responsible for calming the body and the mind. Magnesium also regulates melatonin levels. I find Epsom salt baths help my muscles to relax, and aid restful sleep. Magnesium supplements are also worth considering. I include magnesium in my daily vitamin and mineral support; I do not thrive without it.

6. Keep your bedroom free of clutter

One of the insights I gained through my years as a natural medicines therapist was that CHI, or energy, needs to have a clear channel to flow in both our bodies, our homes and our workplace.

Clutter impedes the flow of CHI and can contribute to a busy mind, poor quality sleep, blockages in our career, the flow of abundance… If you struggle with insomnia, please consider having a major clutter clear out in your bedroom and removing excess books, furniture, clothes lying on the floor… A calm environment aids a calm mind.

7. Keep electronic equipment out of the bedroom

I have already touched on the detrimental effects of televisions, computers and mobile phones on sleep quality. If you are finding it difficult to sleep, please consider removing electronic equipment from your bedroom.

8. Decorate your bedroom in restful hues

Bright colors in your bedroom will stimulate your mind, and are not conducive to restful sleep. If you are an insomniac, consider letting go of bright yellow, orange or red walls… A restful or pastel palette of duck egg blue, pink, pale grey, lilacs, soft greens can help you sleep more soundly.

9. Invest in a good quality bed and bedding

We spend approximately one-third of our lives asleep, therefore it is worth spending a little extra on a good quality bed. I use hypoallergenic bedding, which I wash in environmentally friendly products. It helps my breathing and promotes good quality sleep. Invest in your well-being. You are worth it.

10. Keep a journal by your bedside

As an author and blogger, I often find I get my best creative ideas just before I nod off. I write them down immediately, lest I forget! I also add any “to-do” thoughts that surface and jot those down too.

11. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude

Life can be tough at times, but cultivating an attitude of gratitude has helped me through life’s ups and downs. I write a note of 10 good things each and every day in my journal, no matter how small. If life is challenging, I remind myself that: “This too shall pass.”

12. Natural medicines

Acupuncture, herbal medicine, creative visualization, reflexology, flower remedies and emotional freedom technique have all helped me in healing my insomnia. Emotional freedom technique, known as EFT, is particularly useful for me. You can even practice it in bed while lying down. The website www.emofree.com has free tutorials on this simple yet powerful healing technique.

It Isn’t Just Having a Hard Time Falling Asleep

Insomnia comes in many forms: not being able to fall asleep, waking up multiple times a night, comorbid insomnia (a type that exists with another condition such as anxiety) and, of course, acute and chronic types.

While all forms of insomnia can be extremely hard to deal with, I want people to know what it’s like to have it for an extended period of time. This draining condition can steal so much from people’s lives

Here are a few things insomnia can do. (Please keep in mind that people with acute insomnia deal with many of the same symptoms — just for a shorter period of time.)

1. Difficulty falling asleep.

I can be exhausted, not able to move, just want to sleep for a week and still not be able to actually sleep. I can feel the burning in my eyes and the heaviness in my eyelids and still lie there unable to actually go into so much as the second stage of sleep. I’m stuck in the first stage, which isn’t actually sleep but the beginning of the brain slowing down. This can produce hallucinations and myoclonic jerks (ever had an arm or leg suddenly twitch as you were falling asleep?)

I’m stuck in this stage for hours — sometimes until 5 a.m. Hallucinations can be one of the scariest experiences of your life when you think you hear someone walking around your home when no one is there or everyone is asleep.

2. Difficulty staying asleep.

Once I fall asleep, I wake up many times throughout the night. I’ve counted as many as 10 times. Time magazine reported a night of interrupted sleep can be worse than abbreviated sleep.

This, along with not being able to fall asleep in the first place, can cause me to be in bed until 2 p.m. or even later some days. I’ve lost hours being in the daytime because of this, and when I have to get up earlier than when my body wants to, I end up in extreme fatigue and pain.

A lack of sleep can also cause flares because of my fibromyalgia. It also makes it hard for me to concentrate on tasks or reading and causes moodiness and irritability, which affects my relationships with my family.

My depression also gets worse, and it causes breakdowns and feelings of loneliness. I can’t socialize because of it. I can’t go out and can’t keep appointments because even when I intend to keep them, I don’t hear my alarm once I’ve finally gone to sleep or have to cancel because I only got one hour of sleep the night before.

Insomnia has stolen much of my life from me. I struggle to do anything social, and when I do, I can’t enjoy it because I’m so tired and in so much pain. Without my sleep medicine, I have no life at all. And when I get sick and have to stop taking it for a while, all of these symptoms come back with a force.

It’s truly debilitating, and I hope this helps a few people understand that insomnia isn’t just “having a hard time falling asleep.”

Fighting With Insomnia When It’s Triggering Your Anxiety

Like my depression and anxiety, I’ve had small bouts of insomnia all my life that got progressively worse as I got older. It wasn’t until I stopped self-medicating (which I advise against, because it’s only kicking the can down the road and it’ll catch up to you tenfold) and taking my mental health seriously did I learn that poor sleep and lack of sleep were seriously triggering my anxiety.

Everyone has the sleepless night here and there, whether you’re nervous about work or a special event the next day, or worried about finances or other kinds of stress, or your body just doesn’t want to call it a day. But for those with insomnia-triggered anxiety, it’s worse than just staring at a dark ceiling for hours before the alarm goes off. Allow me to let you into my bedroom so you can see what it’s like for me.

I have to lie down and turn the TV on… but at a volume level just loud enough that I can hear it but not quite understand it. It’s my “white noise” machine. After setting the sleep timer for an hour or an hour and a half, I’d roll over… and that’s where the fun begins.

My brain goes into its own television mode, replaying the entire day for me while making me want to question everything I’ve done. Did I do a good enough job at work? Was what I said to someone on Facebook offensive or out of line? Is my partner being honest with me? Did I lock the doors and shut the windows? And some of the highlights/lowlights would get replayed several times, almost until I’ve convinced myself everything’s either OK, manageable or something that’ll have to wait until the next day to figure out.

But it doesn’t stop there! “The Next Day” becomes the theme of what’s cycling through my head. If I’m the main character in the sitcom, rom-com or dramedy that is my life, then worry, indecision and misunderstanding after playing every upcoming scenario out in my head are the costars worthy of Best Supporting Actor/Actress Emmys. Imagine how tiresome that is… then imagine not being able to do anything about it in the moment.

That’s where everything goes into hyperdrive. My breath quickens, and as I start to notice that I can feel my heart begin to beat faster and faster, as though I’m a cartoon character in love with the exaggerated heart popping out of my chest. That’s the point of no return. The TV has clicked off by now, and starting that process over is almost futile. There’d be nothing else to do but get up and pace around a little, deciding if it’s worth it to go back to bed or just stay up and screw around online until the will of sleep hits the eyelids. Trust me… you don’t want to be found face-down in front of your laptop.

Of course, the alternative (should you find yourself unable to sleep) is sleep paralysis, and there is no way I can stress enough how terrifying that is. Your body is exhausted. Your mind is exhausted. You know you need and want to sleep. And your body is there, but your brain has found this amazing second wind. You want to roll over, but you can’t. You try to get up, but your head has you in a Chinese finger trap that you don’t remember how to get out of and you just keep pulling as it tightens around you. You’re sweating, you can hear your breathing, yet you’re afraid opening your eyes will kill all ambition to sleep while alerting you to the physical fact your bed is holding you hostage. While that’s been rare for me lately, that’s not to say it hasn’t happened enough times to actually shock me (and I’m not shocked easily).

So anyway, there I am, lying in bed, aware of my surroundings. If I can move, I’ll pull my laptop over rather than turn the TV back on so as not to disturb my partner. Sure, it’s easy for the overtired brain to get sucked into binge-watching on Netflix or falling down a YouTube rabbit hole, but at this point, the stimulation is what’s keeping you up. And that was me for a few months straight — finally passing out around 6 a.m., and by 10 a.m. — with the daylight creeping through the crevices of my bedroom — deciding sleep was no longer an option. That is no way to live.

I’ll say it loud for the people in the back: That is no way to live!

To say I became skittish around people is an understatement. I thought everyone was staring at me or plotting to harm me just by noticing me. I became unreasonably angry at minuscule things going wrong or not going to the plans I’d figured out in my insomniac state. I was living in a nightmare I couldn’t escape from. With heavy paranoia and no self-awareness, I freaked out in my mental health clinic until I could see my doctor and get myself right. I’m not proud of it, but there are times you have to be your own best advocate.

Once we got the medication situation under control (and I can’t say it was a breeze; trial and error is the norm with managing sleep), I was able to settle into a routine. While it’s still unconventional, it works for me, is minimally disruptive to others and has lessened a lot of my personal anxiety. Socially, I’m still a bit awkward, but at least I’m not panicking or making a total fool out of myself negatively because I haven’t slept well for days.

I’ve also since taken a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) class based on insomnia, geared toward better habits that’ll help improve sleep. I’d love to pass some of them along.

1. Body and room temperature.

You naturally yawn when you’re a bit chilly, and your body naturally lowers its temperature if your circadian rhythm is right. It’s a signal that it’s getting close to sleepy-time. I don’t notice that so much, so I try to keep my bedroom cooler than the rest of my apartment. Yeah, I’m that guy who sleeps with a fan on all year ‘round.

2. Your bed is for sleeping.

Your mind likes to play tricks on you, and staying in bed doesn’t do you any favors. Going to bed with the intent to sleep is great, but staying in it for long periods of time when you wake isn’t healthy. When you start to stir and wake in the morning, try not to linger under the covers for more than a half-hour or so. Same when you’re trying to fall asleep; if you’re struggling, it’s OK to get up for a half-hour — just don’t overstimulate yourself too much. And that leads me to…

3. Embrace a routine.

Waking up around the same time and going to bed around the same time is incredibly important in establishing and maintaining your circadian rhythm (which is your body’s sleep clock, basically). It becomes easier to fall asleep when you’re listening to your body’s schedule and when it tells you it’s about that time. Trust me: there’s nothing good that happens at 2 a.m. anyway, so you’re not missing anything.

4. Check your diet.

First, avoid late meals if at all possible. Even snacks can cause problems when you’re trying to sleep. Second, if you must snack, there are certain things you should avoid: sweets (including fruit), fatty foods and dairy (sorry… I love cheese so much, but it’s so bad for you if you want to sleep). The reason is your body is working harder than it’d be if you’d went with other options, and when your body’s trying to digest fats and sugars, your brain isn’t giving you the proper attention you need for a good sleep. It’s like shutting your car off but the radio never stops playing; at some point, it’s going to drain your battery.

Don’t be the enemy of your body, especially when it’s looking to agitate you while you’re trying to sleep. I’m lucky in that I’ve been able to develop a good regimen between meds and how I take care of myself. I know what works for me may not work for everyone, but this is how I keep my anxiety in check. It starts with a decent night’s sleep, and I hope you’re able to get that for yourself as well.

The Songs That Help

“Yesterday” and “Let It Be” – The Beatles

When I am experiencing times of sadness or regret I play these songs. Let’s face it, there are days when we just want to cry, and there is nothing wrong with that.

“Bad Day” – Daniel Powter, “Don’t Stop Believin’” – Journey, and “What’s Up” – 4 Non Blondes

I can always relate to these three songs no matter what the situation is on a difficult day. All three are about going through a bad time, but they also include hope for better days to come.

“Because of You” – Kelly Clarkson and “The Climb” – Miley Cyrus (more recently also included with these two – “Till It Happens To You” – Lady Gaga)

Self-explanatory but I gravitate to these songs on days when my thoughts surround some of the darkest days of my life. Somehow they not only contribute to the fear and sadness but also give me comfort and strength because I know I am not alone in my struggle.

“Lightning Crashes” – Live, “Big Girls Don’t Cry” – Fergie, “Collide” – Howie Day, “Life Got In The Way” – Sister Hazel, and “Life” – Hinder

Since being diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), my personal relationship with my spouse has suffered greatly. Thankfully, we remain together and continue to love each other despite the many obstacles we have encountered. These songs are ones I play on the more difficult days.

“Wild World” – Cat Stevens, “Best of You” – Foo Fighters, “Faith” – George Michael, “You Are Not Alone” – Lifehouse, “Livin In The Moment” – Jason Mraz, and “Beautiful Soul” – Jesse McCartney

Hard times but hope for the future and the importance of not giving up are what each of these songs represents to me. They are included on days when I need to remind myself that this is life and everyone experiences difficult days. It is what we do with those days that counts. Regardless of how hopeless I feel, there is always a way through and hope for a better day ahead.

“Let It Hurt” and “Stand” – Rascall Flatts, “Was That My Life,” “Downtime,” “I’m Alright,” “Get Up Again,” “Me,” and “I Like Me” – Jo Dee Messina

Another group of songs that helps me express my feelings and cry when I need to let it all out but that also gives me hope and encouragement to keep going.

“Make Me This Mad” – Lucy Angel,” “What You Get Is What You See” – Tina Turner, “Settlin” – Sugarland, “I Will Survive” – Gloria Gaynor, “Fight Song” – Rachel Platten and “My Life” – Billy Joel

Once I have cried or somehow managed to process the difficult day I have had, I listen to songs from this list. They all allow me to emerge with determination and strength to keep moving forward.

“Crazy Ain’t Original” – Sheryl Crowe and “The World Needs a Drink” – Terri Clark

You know those days when it seems everything goes wrong? You aren’t necessarily sad or really upset with any one thing, just a day when it seems no matter what you do things just are not working out for you. Well, I have these days more often than not, and when I do I find that these two songs incorporate humor and allow me to laugh at the situation and carry on with my day. They also assist me in dealing with frustration I feel when people lack the ability to understand my condition.

Mountains Mean to Me

( From You ) I started sunrise hiking with a group of friends and immediately fell in love with it. Over time though, a worm of anxiety began to creep in. My whole life I’ve struggled with insomnia. I’m naturally a bad sleeper and any kind of pressure around my sleeping easily brings about sleepless nights. I started to worry, “what if I don’t sleep and then have to wake up in the fours?”

Before long it became impossible for me to sunrise hike with other people. The pressure of committing to an early morning with someone else inevitably led to sleepless nights. I once committed to going sunrise hiking with my niece and nephews and got only 45 minutes of sleep the night before.

In January of 2023, my oldest daughter had a day off of school, and the snow and ice had just started to accumulate in the Catskills. The Giant Ledge and Panther Mountain hike provides massive east-facing views of the rolling Catskill mountains. We had never been to the Catskills, my daughter had never done a sunrise hike, we had never climbed above 3,500 feet, so this would be the first for both of us. I knew sunrise here would be perfect.

And yet…

The stakes felt higher and more overwhelming than before. My daughter’s first sunrise hike, first Catskills hike, first 35’er. With 1.8 miles and 1,300 feet of climbing from the trailhead to the main view. We would need to arrive at the trailhead by 6:20 am, which meant leaving the house at 4:20 am. You can’t just wake a 14-year-old up at 4:20 — you have to warn them. All the perfect conditions for insomnia. Preplanned expectations, someone else relying on me who I could not stand to disappoint. Beyond that, I had a two-hour drive to get there and then back. I couldn’t afford to sleep for only 45 minutes. I had to make it work. I had to sleep.

And yet…

Ultimately, I went to bed, because I had no choice, because I didn’t know what would happen, because I’d rather try something hard than shy away from it, because I was scared and hopeful and sick of worrying about it. I went to sleep because that’s what you do, you go on, that’s what you do. And luckily, this time I slept.

We arrived at 6:20 am at the Giant Ledge Trailhead parking lot. One of the challenges of super early sunrise hiking is that your body still expects to be asleep when you start moving, so the warm up period takes longer. My daughter was really feeling this and said she felt like she had asthma (she doesn’t). She hit her wall at about 1,000 feet of climbing. She stopped and said she couldn’t go on. But we kept going on, because that’s what you do — you just keep on going.

We arrived. The woodland valley stretched out beneath us. The tops of mountains rolling from one to the next like a rippling of water, mist hovering in between the mountains tops quietly reflected the fuchsia of dawn. After a couple minutes three rays of sunlight beamed down from just above Slide Mountain, the bowl-shaped behemoth just off to our right. One ray arced down across the slope of the mountain, lighting a spotlight on the valley floor. One beamed across the tops of the mountains igniting the mists between them with bright pinks and orange. And one blended into the narrow band of pale pink orange underlining the bright winter blue of the sky. The clouds facing us began to glow from the back like an electric burner turning on behind them. The deep somber purple of night held to the western sides of the clouds facing us while their east-facing backs increasing lit up with scintillating gold, pink, and orange — a shining silhouette outlining the darker purple. The whole cloud cover seemed on the verge of shattering into a crimson golden explosion. While at the same time, a gray purple line of winter-bare trees rolled across the mountain floor like a soft fur, broken only by the occasional band of evergreen trees standing darkly in scattered groups.

Dark purple peaks swam in between wisps of shimmering mist. A silent and ancient dance of purple shadows and golden light, like we’d stumbled upon something quiet and majestic, like watching two weathered samurai repeating an ancient sword dance in sacred silence.

We continued another 1,000 feet of climbing to the top of Panther, walking through the colors of the morning shifting gradually from pale pink to golden, reflecting off the fresh snow highlighting the bright green of pine needles sticking out from under their snowy blankets. The snow got deeper around us and soon we found ourselves atop Panther Mountain. On top of Panther at 3,700 feet the snow blanketed pine trees stand in a semicircle just below your feet. Past the thousand foot cliff beneath our feet, row after row of bare trees rise and fall along a rolling sea of snow covered hills. Hovering in place above, wispy clouds guard the silence.

Winter mountains radiate silence and quiet. Frozen waterfalls and trees blanketed in snow. Like the world hit pause. The pastel blue sky remains perpetually lit with a light band of pale orange almost like a never-ending sunset, a break in time. Those moments of endless, rolling, snow-covered mountains resting in silence provided just enough quiet for my own restless mind.

Dealing With Insomnia as a Blind Person

Everyone has trouble sleeping once in a while, whether it’s from stress, an ever-changing work schedule, a social media addiction or from plain bad habits.

But insomnia and lack of sleep affect those with vision loss the most. An estimated 70 percent of totally blind people have a sleep disorder, and as many as half of everyone with a significant sight loss could also be affected. This is often due to not being able to tell daytime from nighttime.

Many with vision degenerative diseases such as retinitis pigmentosa, Leber congenital amaurosis, Stargardt disease, age-related macular degeneration, and choroideremia to name a few.

Here are several solutions to help alleviate insomnia and lack of sleep for those with vision loss:

1. Hetloiz.

Hetloiz, or tasimelteon is a medication used to treat Non-24 Sleep-Wake Disorder. Non-24 is a very rare condition affecting many (but not all) people who are totally blind and have absolutely no light perception. Their circadian clocks become out of sync as a result. How much this drug can help depends on how much out of sync your body is and you may be on it for weeks or months. The drug is pricey, and common side effects include headaches, elevated liver enzymes, drowsiness, upper respiratory tract infections, and more.

2. Sleep aids.

Sleep aids such as Unisom, NyQuil, and a long list of other sleeping drugs can help you fall asleep and stay asleep. These are OK for occasional use, but not recommended for long-term use. Their side effects include daytime drowsiness, burning or tingling in the hands, arms, feet, or legs, changes in appetite, difficulty keeping balance, and dizziness, to name a few.

3. Melatonin.

Melatonin is a hormone made by the pineal gland. That’s a pea-sized gland found just above the middle of your brain. It helps your body know when it’s time to sleep and wake up. It’s offered in pill and capsule form to aid the body in its sleeping pattern. They come in natural or synthetic forms. The natural forms are made from the pineal gland in animals. Even though melatonin is much safer than the first two options, there are still some side effects which include daytime sleepiness, dizziness, stomach problems, crankiness, anxiety and a few others.

4. Essential oils.

You can also decide to go the all-natural route and use essential oils to help you fall asleep and stay asleep. Essential oils such as lavender, orange, cedarwood, Roman chamomile and a few others. You can find a great number of essential oil recipes and blends in this article. Possible side effects include allergic reactions to the ingredients, skin irritation (if using undiluted oil), or a potential overdose – which can be avoided if following the specific directions. In the first case, taking some allergy medication such as Benadryl can ease symptoms, but in case of an overdose – seek medical help.

Now you have four different options to help with insomnia and lack of sleep for those with various types of vision loss.

A Day Inside the Mind of an Insomniac

Dear insomnia,

Why do you torture me so?

I cannot sleep for hours or days on end.

At first, you’re an annoyance. It’s 1 a.m. and I’m not even tired. I have an interview tomorrow afternoon.

It’s 3 a.m., then 4, I have probably switched positions 70 times now.

It’s 5. I try desperately to close my eyes and drift into the warm embrace of sleep. You force me to sit there in bed, uncomfortable and thinking about everything I am anxious about. I begin to cry.

I try some light music. It doesn’t help.

It’s 6, then 7 and I know you’re going to make me bomb this interview, maybe I could try to reschedule?

It’s 8 a.m. and I’ve almost given up. I turned off the music, it’s become a blur of odd sounds I no longer recognize.

I’ve been awake for almost two days.

At 9 a.m. I get up, I’m hungry. I find a small snack and rush back to bed, hoping I’ll get an hour of sleep.

At 10:30 I decide it’s not worth it. I lay back and fall into a trance. My head is pounding. Everything sounds like it’s far away and right next to me at the same time.

At 11, I get up and get myself some coffee. You’ve defeated my body’s natural functions for another grueling night.

I cancel my interview, I’ll try again another day. It isn’t safe to drive.

At noon, I force myself to eat a sandwich. I feel sick.

At 1 p.m. I am watching T.V., my body aches and the room is spinning.

It’s 2 p.m. and I swore I just saw someone walk into the kitchen. No one else is home.

I open my eyes, it’s 4 p.m. You let me sleep for a couple hours, but I feel the same. The light coming in from the windows hurts my head. I get more coffee.

I try to eat dinner at 6, but my body is shaking and my stomach churning. I throw it all back up.

Maybe I should try to go to sleep again, I think to myself at 7. Maybe you’ll let me get some relief.

I’ve only actually been out of bed a few hours. I’ve gotten nothing done so I put some laundry away instead.

I realize I no longer feel tired at 8. I sigh to myself, awaiting another long night. I watch some T.V. or scroll through my phone. What’s the point?

10 p.m. comes around and I’m curled up under my blankets, I hope I feel tired soon.

It’s 11, and I’m in so much pain I don’t know if I am capable of sleeping.

I see shadows moving where I know they shouldn’t around… midnight, I think? Is this real?

It’s 1 a.m.

Why do you torture me so?

What These 4 Major Religions Can Teach Us

Based on studies conducted in multiple countries, about 30 percent of adults struggle with insomnia, and 10 percent of them experience daytime distress because of a lack of sleep. You can find theories about what causes insomnia and how to treat it all over the place, but what do the world’s major religions have to say about the matter?

Hinduism and Insomnia: Finding Balance

The Ayurveda recognizes two types of insomnia. Waking up in the middle of the night is seen as an imbalance in the Vata dosha, which has to do with emotions like anxiety and hypersensitivity. Having a difficult time initially falling asleep is regarded as an imbalance in the Pitta dosha, which is related to digestion and metabolism.

Ayurveda tradition uses many methods to combat insomnia, including:

Herbs like Ashwagandha or Bacopa (Brahmi)
Going to bed before 10 pm since this is the Kapha time of day, which is full of grounded energy to help you fall asleep
Waking up before sunrise so we stay synchronized with nature’s clock
Eating a light supper so our energy goes towards rejuvenation instead of digestion
Turning off electronic devices an hour before bed because technology stimulates the Vata dosha
Giving yourself a massage with oil (abhyanga) to soothe the Vata dosha
Hinduism also offers a morning-after remedy to recover from a sleepless night: yoga nidra, or yogic sleep. Yogic sleep is a traditional meditative practice in which you get in the shavasana position, lying on your back with your legs and arms out to your sides. This promotes very deep relaxation and is usually used at the end of a yoga session.

Through the eyes of Hinduism, curing insomnia is about finding balance within ourselves and the world around us. And believe it or not, Buddhism wouldn’t completely disagree.

Buddhism and Insomnia: Staying Connected

Buddhism sees insomnia as a sort of spiritual opportunity. Rinpoche, an incarnate lama, talked about bardo — the “in-between state” — the space between wakefulness and sleep. It’s a groundless, uncertain state, what he referred to as a “highlight in the middle of nowhere.” According to Judith Simmer-Brown, a prominent Buddhist scholar and professor of religious studies at Naropa University, being in bardo opens us up to the awareness that we’re connected with every other living being in the world.

Even though Buddhism doesn’t necessarily view insomnia as a bad thing, the religion offers ways to treat it. For instance, you can use mindfulness to keep your mind calm and centered. Focus on what you’re feeling, and let your emotions flow through you. You can also try this traditional Tibetan visualization technique to treat insomnia:

“Imagine it is night deep in the forest. A raging river rushes through a narrow gorge, roaring incessantly. At the top of the gorge there is a coarse rope ladder descending from the rim halfway down to a small and cozy cave in the canyon wall. Inside is a crackling campfire burning, illuminating and warming the rough stone walls of the cave. I am sitting before the fire wrapped in a sheepskin cloak, cuddling a baby goat nestled into my arms. Even as I hear the roaring river, I hold the kid close and feel content.”

As you can see, two of the major religions seem to agree on many aspects of treating insomnia, but where does Christianity stand on the issue?

Christianity and Insomnia: Finding God

Similar to Buddhism, Christianity doesn’t view insomnia as an entirely negative experience. This religion looks at insomnia as a test of your faith and focus on God and an indication that God wants your attention at the only time of day you’re being still enough to listen to Him — in the middle of the night.

The Bible suggests we lean on faith when we can’t sleep: “You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights. Each tear entered in Your ledger, each ache written in Your book (Psalm 56, verse 8).” Seeking God in prayer, reading, etc., might keep you calm enough so you can get some sleep.

Proverb 20, verse 3 also tells us “don’t be too fond of sleep.” In other words, don’t put too much pressure on yourself to get “enough” sleep, and simply surrender to your sleeplessness. You’re awake for a reason.

Islam and Insomnia: Staying Close to Allah

According to Shaykh Muhammad Saalih al-Munajjid, general supervisor at Islam Question & Answer, Islam says that insomnia is sometimes caused by waswaas, or whispers from the evil Shaytaan.

Fortunately, Islamic literature offers many ways to free ourselves from Shaytaan’s mumbling. One way we can do this is through Shari remedies. These revolve around keeping our focus on Allah’s love, rewards and punishments and the Hereafter as opposed to the physical world, so we can attain peace of mind. We do this by avoiding certain sins, saying certain prayers, being kind to other people, reading the Qur’aan and serving Allah (‘uboodiyyah): “Those who believed (in the Oneness of Allah), and whose hearts find rest in the remembrance of Allah verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest (al-Ra ‘d 13:28).”

Psychological remedies focus on getting rid of worries by means of staying close to Allah, being grateful for everything He does and staying detached from the physical world, while behavioral remedies include seeing a doctor to whom Allah has given knowledge of the human psyche.

Islamic cures for insomnia also include always asking Allah for forgiveness, seeking His protection from Shaytaan, keeping good company and making sure you don’t think wrong thoughts. From this perspective, getting a good night’s sleep depends upon how we live our lives during the day.

If you have problems with insomnia, the world’s major religions may be able to help you find some rest. They have different ideas about what causes insomnia, but their methods for attaining sleep are all based in love and revolve around similar principles: surrendering to reality, staying connected to the world around us and finding God and peace within ourselves.

Things People With Painsomnia Need You to Know

For people with conditions like fibromyalgia, the chronic pain doesn’t end when you lay down to go to sleep. In fact, the pain often makes it incredibly difficult to fall asleep at all, a phenomenon known as “painsomnia.” Like most forms of chronic pain, the effects of painsomnia are invisible, so when you struggle to go about your day after a sleepless night, those around likely don’t understand how exhausted you actually are.

We partnered with the National Fibromyalgia Association to ask our Facebook communities what they wish people knew if they see them after a night of painsomnia. What does the condition feel like, and what do you need most from friends, coworkers and family after a sleepless night? While people with painsomnia may not feel rested, they still make an effort to live their lives as healthy people do, and a little understanding and patience would go a long way.

Here’s what they said:

1. “Painsomnia for me is when I feel truly lonely, despite my partner lying next to me… The darkest hours are when I seek out the internet to distract me, to make me feel less alone. The next day I wish people believed I really didn’t get any sleep. I find some people think you are exaggerating or they have to try and compete with you. Just accept that when I say I’ve not slept I mean it.”
2. “Pain is a full-time job that is entirely draining. If I say I’m tired, please don’t say ‘me too.’ Or, if you happen to be particularly tired (because your life experience is valid, too), understand that our bodies are very different on the inside.”
3. “The night is lonely and quiet. You can’t escape the reality of your illness at 3 a.m. When the sun arises, we paint on our faces and show up for life hiding the secret that we battled physical pain and mental exhaustion for a good part of the night.”
4. “[After a night of painsomnia I’d like] a cup of coffee, a gentle hug, and someone to listen. After a while people get tired of listening to us talk about pain or our symptoms, and so we stop talking about it. So having someone take a minute to ask how we’re really feeling is a kind gesture.”
5. “You can spend 12 hours in bed and still be exhausted… Because the three hours you slept were broken and of poor quality.”
6. “When I go through these kinds of struggles, I really need you to understand I’m not always going to be fully functional like I normally am. I have chronic pain, and I need to be cut some slack. I’m not using this as a copout, I’m just making it aware so I can be understood.”
7. “I wish people could understand how strong I am. Not how weak I am… but how strong I am. Because even though I cry every morning or even during class, I’m still participating.”
8. “I wish people knew that when I show up late for work it’s because I spent the night in tremendous pain and watched the clock through tears because I knew I had to get up and show up to provide for my kids.”
9. “Stop saying ‘Go to bed earlier’ or ‘Try this, do that…’ and just accept my experience without questioning what I did wrong to have it!”
10. “When I’ve had a particularly rough night, I wish people would know I’m trying my best and could really use a kind word or hug.”
11. “Whatever you see on my face is the result of strength, not weakness. It’s not some failing on my part that I didn’t sleep, but rather I spent the whole night fighting with my own body, and I’m still going.”
12. “I wish people knew that being tired makes the pain so much worse, and it takes longer than you’d expect to recover.”
13. “I wish they would understand it’s not like a night of insomnia, and understand it wasn’t just another ‘sleepless night.’ What I need most after a painsomnia is to not expect me to be able to be my normal self. I will do my best, but please understand, I won’t be at my best.”
14. “I wish for daily help and care, just because I’m human and not because of my illness. Make me a cuppa or water the garden without question, cook for me or even just sit with me when I’m having a flare and keep me company. Having fibro can feel so lonely, and that feeling is the most painful of all.”
15. “I’m not mad at anyone, I’m not anti-social, I just can’t function like an ordinary person. Even though I look like I’m mad at the world, I’m only mad at this betrayal of my body.”
16. “After a night of painsomnia, I look and feel very fatigued. I am probably in a brain fog and need some time to just recoup. It may be doing a jigsaw puzzle on Facebook, reading a book, knitting a sock but, to me, this is a way to escape the lingering pain. I know the housework isn’t done, dinner hasn’t been planned, the laundry needs attention. Please just understand and let me work through this on my own schedule, at my own pace.”
17. “I wish someone would ask how they can help and then follow through. Sometimes simple understanding and empathy go a long way.”

Unexpected Coping Techniques That Help People Manage Painsomnia

“Painsomnia” is a term often used within the chronic illness community to describe the frustrating but all-too-relatable experience of being unable to sleep due to pain. Even if you feel exhausted or fatigued, sometimes the pain is enough to keep you tossing and turning at all hours of the night.

Here’s what people shared with me:

1. “I listen to guided meditations on YouTube! My favorites are the ones where they instruct you to breathe in a certain pattern and contract/relax certain muscles. I’m usually asleep within the hour.”
2. “Pressure blankets help me (not hot – still a lot of weight) and lots of pillows. I also do hot baths at random times of the night when my nerves go spastic because of pain and exhaustion.”
3. “I have a salt lamp I leave on at night rather than a ‘night light’ so that it’s a more soothing light.”
4. “Regular use of melatonin [and] never changing my sleep routine which includes my two warm cuddling purr babies. They make the biggest difference when you wake up in pain. One kitty has his bed beside my pillow and lays so at least one foot is touching my face/neck – and I get purrs right into my ear. The other kitty tends to either lie against my legs or if I’m restless or in pain he will lie against my body and I get the vibrations from the purrs. Works almost every time.”
5. “Laundry in the middle of the night. My mum has RA [rheumatoid arthritis], and always did laundry (to cope with her painsomnia) when we were sleeping. Now I do it too. Something about the dryer sound is soothing.”
6. “Watching or reading something new to distract myself from the pain as much as possible. It must be new, if I’ve seen or read it before my mind can continue to fully linger on my pain.”
7. “I will sleep with ice packs for any back, neck, shoulder and hip pain and then I drink a warm cup of fennel, peppermint, ginger, camomile tea for the bloated stomach pain and nausea.”
8. “Prayer is the first line of defense for me. I also have a few trusted friends I can talk/vent to and who will also pray with me. I have to get outside of myself or I will be more miserable.”
9. “I have hydrogen peroxide in a spray bottle and when I am in pain, I spray it into my hands and rub it onto where I hurt. (It’s usually my knees since that is where my RA affects me most.) I got this trick from my Grandpa who also suffered from arthritis.”
10. “I color in Jenny Lawson’s book ‘You Are Here.’ I also do guided meditation on the Stop, Breathe & Think app.”
11. “Lots and lots of ‘daydreaming.’ Making stories up in my head to distract [myself].”
12. “Blogging! Seriously, since starting my blog and now Facebook page, it’s a really good outlet when my painsomnia is bad. I’ve found that sometimes when I’m awake at 3 a.m., rather than getting upset, I start drafting a post on my phone. And sometimes I write for a few minutes, sometimes I write a whole post, but it helps, putting things into words just helps. It makes me feel like my pain isn’t for nothing.”
13. “Snuggling with my partner. There’s something so soothing about him absently rubbing my head in his sleep. It tends to calm me down and help me sleep more than I normally would.”
14. “I’ve started listening to audiobooks. I used to be an avid reader but holding books can dislocate my fingers now and strains my neck along with worsening my migraines. Usually after a few chapters of an audiobook I’m out like a light. The LibriVox app has been a lifesaver.”
15. “I take my meds, set myself as comfy as I can get in bed. Listen to Pandora, and play my puzzle games on my tablet. My tablet has been a lifesaver. I know lots of people say no electronics in bed. I swear it keeps my mind off the pain until I can get to sleep.”
16. “It sounds obvious, but deep breathing. I take several deep breaths, holding it in and pushing it out slowly while focusing only on the back of my eyelids. If my mind wanders I bring it back and start over. Pretty similar to (or it might actually be) meditation.”
17. “My dog is a reaaaally big help. It actually hurts too much to play with him at these moments, but his joy helps. Stuffed animals do the trick too.”
18. “Cannabis, lots of cannabis… I wish I could think of anything else but having been through the entire gamut of things they can prescribe, I stand by this 110 percent.”
19. “I put all of my favorite movies in my room. When it’s too much, I watch to try to take my mind off the pain.”
20. “Look, I’m just going to say it. Orgasms totally help. They kind of help recalibrate my brain or something and I’m able to get a handle on my pain when before my body and brain were both freaking out. It’s no cure but it helps a lot of the time.”
21. “I use my hot tub before bed so my muscles relax and I try to fall asleep before my muscles stiffen again and I start aching.”
22. “Foam roller is my best friend! I use it when it’s too painful to sit. I will prop myself up against it and it helps.”
23. “Something that has been really helpful is my occupational therapist recommended a wand ‘massager’ like a Hitachi wand to ‘confuse the nerves’ with the strong vibrations. Because of the rubber head I can really push it into my trigger points during a flare and it will help relax them after a while without as much bruising. I have fallen asleep lying with that under my right glute several times in the last month.”
24. “I write. I’m an author, and it helps me get away from reality. My doctor gave me amitriptyline. I take two pills for the days I’m desperate to sleep, but usually I take one every other day and it takes a few hours to kick in. But I eventually drift off. No matter what. My tablet helps during the time the pills are kicking in and I can’t hold a pen.”
25. “I scream at the top of my lungs. Feels good to let it out!”

TV Shows to Watch When Painsomnia Keeps You Up at Night

What do you do when chronic pain leaves you hurting so badly you’re unable to fall asleep?

For many in the chronic illness community, “painsomnia” is a frequent struggle. There are a variety of coping mechanisms people may turn to in order to drift off, but watching a few episodes of TV (or, on really tough days, binge watching a season or two) is one of the most popular ways to pass the time when everyone else is fast asleep.

But deciding which show to watch can be important: Are you trying to lull yourself to sleep? Or have you given up on sleep and are just trying to distract yourself from the pain? Depending on what you hope to get out of watching TV, as well as your unique interests, the types of shows you watch won’t necessarily be the same ones your fellow spoonies watch. Some may prefer a light and mindless comedy, while others enjoy getting totally immersed in the complex, serial plot of a drama or sci-fi show.

Whatever type of show suits you and your needs, we’ve got you covered. If you’re looking for something new to watch the next time you just can’t get to sleep, hopefully some of the following suggestions can offer some guidance.

1. “‘Brooklyn 99‘ always makes me laugh without fail. The show is often unexpectedly hilarious, which keeps my attention. They handle social justice issues with humor, but don’t cheapen the struggle, which is a difficult balance to achieve. Highly, highly recommend!”
2. “‘The Office!’ Or ‘Parks and Recreation!’ They are fun shows, always funny, and draw you into them, no matter how many times you watch them, so you are able to focus more on the show than your pain. I go between watching these series every night, literally. They help so much!”
3. “I need comedy. I need really ridiculous and senseless comedy to distract from everything. I have memorized all of ‘Family Guy‘ and ‘Bob’s Burgers‘ and love all of the stand up specials on TV. If I watch anything that causes even the slightest anxiety then I’ll spiral.”
4. “‘Friends‘ is always my go to. Whether it’s a bad pain day, bad mental health day or both. ‘Friends’ always lifts me up and makes me laugh, and usually keeps me distracted from whatever is going on, be it pain or depression.”
5. “Any show or movie that I’ve seen before, and don’t particularly have to pay attention to. A ‘binge’ of a TV show via Netflix is good, as it’ll go from show to show as I doze.”
6. “‘Golden Girls,’ ‘That 70s Show,’ ‘Roseanne.’”
7. “‘The Andy Griffith Show‘ on Netflix. I also watch this every day. It portrays a simpler, happy time. Obviously I enjoy zoning out and watching the same few series all the time. I also love MAS*H but Netflix took it off, and I also can’t watch every episode if I’m having a hard time because some are harder hitting.”
8. “‘Frasier.’ Dr. Crane always takes the pain away! One of the most witty shows. Great to distract you from the fact that it’s 2 a.m. and your hip is dislocated so you can’t lay on it, or your back, or sit. Good times, good times.”
9. “‘Seinfeld.’ Laughter is the best medicine.”
10. “‘Arrested Development.’ Because it is completely ridiculous and you don’t have to think that much to ‘get it.’”
11. “‘Full House!’ Happy and upbeat, it never gets old and always gives me so many laughs!”
12. “‘Scrubs!’ Being able to laugh helps a lot at odd hours of the night.”
13. “‘Schitt$ Creek‘ makes me laugh! My husband and I binge watched it all!”
14. “There’s a newer show that I enjoy – it’s called ‘Superstore.’ It’s so ridiculously silly with likable characters.”
15. “‘Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.’ It is so absurd that it makes me laugh even when I am in pain. And does not require a lot of concentration to follow the plot.”
16. “‘The Office‘ is always my first go-to. My second is ‘How I Met Your Mother.’ I love the light comedies. I recently binged ‘Santa Clarita Diet.’ I may have woken up very symptomatic one day but at least I didn’t wake up and need to eat people to survive.”
17. “I watch nonsense cartoons for grown-ups like ‘Rick and Morty,’ ‘The Simpsons,’ ‘Family Guy,’ ‘American Dad,’ whatever. Just something I can smile at but doesn’t require much thought. The noise keeps you from feeling so alone, the comedy helps distract from the pain, and having something to do helps the time pass so I don’t feel stuck in one miserable moment forever. I don’t think the creators of those shows could really understand how much I rely on their work to keep my mind out of that dark place. It’s really easy to get to that point in the middle of the night.”
18. “‘Aggretsuko.’ It’s this cute little anime about a red panda who pushes herself to be perfect but secretly is into death metal as an escape. I can relate to holding things inside and trying to be perfect, but at the same time it’s utterly cute and a nice way to switch off.”
19. “‘The Joy of Painting’ with Bob Ross. It is so calming to watch and just helps you relax plus you can get easily distracted with the painting. It is my go-to show when I can’t sleep. It’s on Hulu, Netflix and YouTube so anyone can watch it. It has also helped put me to sleep due to how calming it can be and it is the best for sleepless nights.”
20. “If you like reality shows but wish there wasn’t so much over-the-top drama and don’t mind subtitles, ‘Terrace House‘ on Netflix is great.”
21. “I try to watch gentle shows like a cooking show (‘The Great British Bake Off‘) or adorable animal shows (‘The Zoo‘ and ‘Too Cute‘ on Animal Planet).”
22. “I enjoy late night talk shows. I record them and watch them when I can’t sleep. I get a good laugh and find I can fall asleep for a bit when there’s a dull interview.”
23. “I always watch documentaries, so I have to give my full attention to what I am watching. If I have seen a show a lot and re-watch while in pain it doesn’t distract me enough. Netflix has a few good Ken Burns documentaries, I highly suggest ‘The War‘ and ‘Prohibition.’ Netflix also has ‘Bobby Kennedy for President.’”
24. “I’m watching ‘Forensic Files‘ right now! It’s soothing to me, I think it’s the narrator’s voice. I wish he would do meditation on YouTube!”
25. “‘Qi,’ it’s funny and gets me to think a bit, distracting me from the pain, plus I learn all sorts of useless facts.”
26. “History documentaries… I wonder how people in the past lived with pain and feel bad for them.”
27. “‘How It’s Made.’ It’s interesting to watch and the narrator’s voice is so relaxing.”
28. “‘The Grand Tour,’ my favorite hosts of all time sure know how to make me laugh while I am amazed by cool cars. And ‘Top Gear‘ while I’m here too, Clarkson, Hammond and May era.”
29. “I stick to random documentaries on Netflix. Learning about what others go through or have done is fascinating to me.”
30. “I watch QVC ! It is actually nice because it’s also a convenient way to shop when you’re chronically ill. But normally I try to refrain from buying anything. But it’s calm and doesn’t have too much action to where it won’t let me relax enough to hopefully fall asleep.”
31. “I watch the Game Show Network… mindless fun.”
32. “It may sound crazy because I’m younger than most people who watch the channel, but anything on TV Land! My mom and I have been watching shows that air on there for years, and when I have to sleep on my recliner because of my pain we always have it playing. The shows are so lighthearted and relatable in most cases and is typically always soothing to me.”
33. “Anything HGTV or Food Network – those are my go-to’s.”
34. “I love to watch British TV. You can find so many great British shows on YouTube. It helps me pretend I’m somewhere else, away from the pain and frustration.”
35. “I watch the Hallmark Channel. I think ‘I Love Lucy‘ starts around 2 a.m., maybe 3 a.m.”
36. “I go for any familiar serial show with the same narrator (thank you Discovery Channel and Animal Planet). I can follow the story if sleep is totally out of the question, use it like white noise if I’m able to drift in or out… or fall asleep if I’m lucky!”
37. “‘The Good Doctor,’ ‘Grey’s Anatomy,’ and ‘House MD‘ are shows I always watch. Over and over. The patients on the shows are very relatable. Makes me feel like I’m not so alone with health issues by watching those kinds of shows. It makes me not focus on the pain.”
38. “Last night I had ‘itchsomnia,’ which is crazy making, but it did lead me to rediscovering ‘House MD‘ on Amazon Prime. Although I’ve gotten considerably more squeamish since it was on the air, it was nice to see a group of doctors actually working to cure a person rather than what I/we get, which is a lot of talk about acceptance and managing expectations, LOL.”
39. “Last night I had ‘itchsomnia,’ which is crazy making, but it did lead me to rediscovering ‘House MD‘ on Amazon Prime. Although I’ve gotten considerably more squeamish since it was on the air, it was nice to see a group of doctors actually working to cure a person rather than what I/we get, which is a lot of talk about acceptance and managing expectations, LOL.”
40. “When I have an especially bad day, I re-watch episodes of ‘House MD,’ because if my day hasn’t included some kind of hemorrhage or necrotic skin condition, I feel slightly better off! Some of the symptoms can hit a bit close to home, but usually it gives me a sense of ‘perspective’ i.e. sure, I’m suffering, but I could be dying and I’m not.”
41. “‘Grace and Frankie!’ I’m only 22 but my symptoms are so bad that I often feel a lot older. The show is calming and never fails to make me laugh and the problems they’re having in their 70s make me feel a lot more normal.”
42. “I watch ‘The Middle.’ The portrayal of a typical middle class family with teenage kids and overworked/overstretched parents is so realistic.”
43. “‘Derek!’ It is amazing and touching.”
44. “‘Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries.’ An Australian import set in the 20s whose protagonist is a kickass woman private detective ahead of her time and it’s just a delightful, delightful show that never ceases to make me smile. Phryne never gives up and is unapologetically her, living her life on her terms and looking fabulous doing it. That that’s an option is a nice thing to be reminded of in the middle of a bad night or three.”
45. “‘Charmed‘ – I love it even though I’ve seen every episode multiple times. It puts my brain in a better space, it gives amazing comfort because it’s something I share with my mom.”
46. “‘Once Upon a Time‘ or ‘Jane the Virgin‘ – fun, easy and lighthearted enough to be relaxing but interesting enough with enough twists to keep me entertained and stop me from zoning out and keep me distracted from pain.”
47. “I liked ‘Gossip Girl‘ and ‘Once Upon A Time‘ on Netflix for nights when my focus was a bit better because they had pretty good storylines and were also pretty upbeat!”
48. “‘Leverage.’ Found family-slash-Robin Hood humor/banter/quick pacing that literally never made a bad episode in its entire run. They think they’re misfits, good at only one thing and believing they’re alone, but slowly find out they’re so not, and even more, that they’re better together, united in things that others might call weaknesses. The quiet reminder that it’s possible to find happiness and meaning in unexpected places — and unexpected people — in spite of, or perhaps because of, your individuality, and yes, your deficiencies, is important and needed.”
49. “‘Supernatural!’ It’s such an escape from reality and after 13 seasons they still manage to keep their fans happy. There is a lot of comedy mixed in which is fun too.”
50. “Any of the ‘Star Trek‘ series. Even when things look their bleakest, it reminds you of the best aspects of humanity, and gives you some hope that it might be OK. That people could eventually learn to work together toward the best interests of society. They even have some episodes that address disability and mental illness. Even if you are in a really bad place, personally, it can help to restore some hope. And hope is vital to dealing with chronic illness. Plus, I can’t wait for that medical scanner which can just tell me what’s wrong with me, and the technology to fix it!”
51. “‘Doctor Who,’ I forget about my pain.”
52. “If I’m in pain and up late, I need a show that will hold my interest and take my attention away from the pain. If you like sci-fi shows, I suggest ‘Stargate SG1‘ (10 seasons) and ‘Stargate Atlantis‘ (five seasons). Both are on Hulu.”
53. “‘Buffy [the Vampire Slayer]‘, ‘Angel‘ and ‘Doctor Who.’ They all let me escape from my reality (also why I play computer games when I can…).”
54. “My go-to has always been ‘The Twilight Zone‘… Because I can somehow relate to the characters, it takes me to another dimension and helps me ‘escape’ from The EDS/POTS Zone for a while…”
55. “‘Merlin‘ is a great show – it’s fantasy and has a great storyline to follow that keeps you focused on it.”
56. “‘The X-files.’ Because I love aliens and David Duchovny.”
57. “‘Once Upon A Time!’ It helps to get lost in the magic every once in a while!”
58. “‘Shameless‘ – watching people’s lives that are even more fucked up than mine is comforting somehow.”
59. “‘Six Feet Under.’ There’s something therapeutic about watching a family who is in deep pain that makes my life and my pain feel less intense.”
60. “‘Law & Order: SVU.’ There are a million seasons and it’s always on.”
61. “I watch horror movies to make me feel better, because hey, at least I’m not getting possessed by demons or chased by Fred Krueger.”