I live with a condition called disorganized schizophrenia, but I hope everyone with health issues can relate to this. I have spent hours in different therapy sessions to help me cope with life. Some sessions and types focus on coping skills. Some focus on life skills. Many have taught me how to stay calm so that my psychotic break doesn’t scare others. Or how to recognize when my symptoms are getting worse so that I can get help.
Over time, I began to realize that my daily life is similar to yours, but the details are different.
Others wake up and put their feet up to get ready for the day. I put my feet up to do grounding exercises to convince myself that I am real. Others open their closets and plan their outfits for the day. My closet is already open, so the hallucinations have a place to go that isn’t around my bed at night. My clothes have been laid out since earlier this week when I had the presence of mind to prepare, but they are under the dirty clothes from yesterday because I have no motivation or thought process.
Others may or may not eat to prepare their bodies for the day. I don’t eat because of the delusional fear that food is poisonous. Others know that they need to go to the bathroom to brush their teeth and wash their face. I had long forgotten by now, but the old me who took off my clothes remembered to reset my silent reminders. My phone reminds me to brush my teeth and wash my face, assuming I have the motivation.
Work and school are different for me too. Sometimes I use other people’s notes because mine are just random letters. Sometimes I tape the lecture so I can remember being there and what happened. Or because I can’t focus or hear because of hallucinations. I hear myself accidentally ask the same question twice. When I ask again, I hear the professor take a long pause. I still have the claw marks I drew on my arm because I knew I had done something wrong again due to nervous anxiety. Time for more grounding exercises.
Social events are few and far between, but they work differently. I’m not shy. I just wait to see who’s talking to whom, so I can tell who’s real and who’s hallucinating. I lean back against the wall so I know the voice whispering my name is just a voice.
Most people enjoy dinner. I’m exhausted from faking it and focusing all day. I convince myself that a restaurant where I can watch the food being made is safe. I look weird wearing my jacket inside, but it’s raining on me, so I have to. Most people don’t have tactile hallucinations. Maybe I’ll remember to take it off next time. It’s too late now, because the timing would be weird, and it would also keep me from scratching my arm for the 10th time this week.
Nighttime is scary. The rest of the world has slowed down, but my brain is still ticking. The doors are left open again, so they’re not standing around my bed again. I have the subtitles on my show, so I can see what they’re saying. My headphones are plugged in but not plugged in so I can block out the radio noise at night. Time to reset the silent reminders.
It’s exhausting. Many people make changes throughout the day that you or I don’t have to make. Some deal with pain. Some people live with constant emotional distress, weakened immune systems, mental disorders, stress, dietary restrictions, and more. Everyone’s routine looks different. We need to understand these things and be patient with each other. This world is hard enough, but if we could be kind and accepting to others, maybe it would be better. Be patient with yourself and others. We all live with daily changes.