Last Saturday started out the same way it always does. I woke up, got ready for the day, and went to work — while experiencing symptoms like hallucinations.
Work was no different, and the hallucinations were making me anxious. A shadowy hand was covering my screen, so I couldn’t read or place orders properly. Even with headphones on, I couldn’t hear the customers because the voices and sounds never stopped.
I tried to keep going. I thought I had burned my arm by spilling food, but when I looked down, I saw that one of my hallucinations had burned me. I stepped away from the line to run cold water over my arms. My coworkers heard me swearing, but they didn’t see what had happened. I went to get back in line. I had to leave because my dying mother was standing next to me. I ran to the cold room to escape. I returned a few minutes later, in time to hear my boss ask a coworker what had happened. They had no idea. They thought I was mad at myself. I didn’t go to class or practice for the next few days.
I decided not to hide it anymore. Instead of hiding behind my stomachache, I told my professors exactly why I wasn’t in class. I had something to hide so I wouldn’t scare or worry people. I kept it a secret because I didn’t want to lose my job or my teaching license. People might treat me differently, and I hated being treated differently. People would be scared. They wouldn’t know what to do if something went wrong. I was exhausted. I was exhausted. It wasn’t healthy.
I simply posted on social media and told most people I wouldn’t be talking to for a while. It was so liberating to be honest – it felt like it took some of the weight off my shoulders. I tried to let go of what others thought and I could rest. I didn’t apologize for making others uncomfortable. I realized that “saving face” wasn’t helping myself or others. I’m all about breaking stigmas, but my lack of words wasn’t helping.
Now, people I haven’t talked to in a while are asking intelligent questions, and some are trusting me. Some are relating, and some are trying to understand. I have received messages from others saying that it is inappropriate to share about my mental illness. One person even said that it made them feel ashamed of me.
I am still positive here though. I have received support and when I felt better I taught some people what schizophrenia really is. Sometimes it gets tiring to tell the same thing over and over again. Sometimes I don’t answer questions or I wait. I haven’t found a solution to this yet, but for now I am not hiding anymore.