When I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia, my first reaction was, “No, that’s not me.” It probably stemmed from what I thought mental illness was. I was afraid I would be put in a straitjacket. I thought I would be isolated from the world. I eventually came to the conclusion that someone with schizophrenia needed to get help or it would end up on the local news.
My First Day
I still had my sunglasses on when I entered the small room. My platoon sergeant was behind me, and I noticed that the man waiting for us had a name tag that said “Doctor.” I was wearing my sunglasses because without them, my illness would spread. This meant that my reality would be established through extrasensory channels, and that one person could talk to another person without them being there.
Suddenly, while the Navy doctor was asking me questions, my platoon sergeant shouted.
“Take off your sunglasses!”
Which was exactly what I couldn’t do.
I slowly removed my sunglasses, accustomed to following orders. And so it began… The doctor could now hear everyone I had made eye contact with over the past few months. The doctor sighed. I was sure the voices had made contact with him.
I was given pajamas to wear and sent to a room in the psychiatric ward that I would share with three other people. This was a psychiatric ward. Never in a million years would I have thought I would find myself in such a place. I was terrified, but I accepted it no matter what.
My platoon sergeant had driven me from Fort Irwin in the Mojave Desert, California, to Balboa Naval Hospital in San Diego. I felt a sense of relief during the long drive to the hospital. I had to be on my guard at all times on my army base. I didn’t trust anyone around me there. I had made eye contact with all my fellow soldiers, and so the voices affected them as well.
A few things I experienced in the military may have helped me develop the powers I have now.
I was stationed at Fort Knox during basic and advanced training. One night, we were training in the M3A3 Bradley fighting vehicle, the Calvary reconnaissance main weapon. There were three of us on the same track. I think I was driving at my best. Of course, this was before my special forces got to me. Everything was fine until I got to the back of this vehicle and there was a broken seat belt in my seat, so I tied the two ends around me. The driver in front of me looked crazy behind the wheel. He hit a bump and I hit my head on a bar above my head.
I blacked out for a second. When I woke up, the ride was over. But the person sitting next to me was crying. I think he thought I was dead. He stopped crying when I moved.
The second incident was at Fort Irwin. I was in the field during a rotation and my team of soldiers were parked in a line.
It was getting dark and someone called me. I went and suddenly I noticed five men trying to wrap duct tape around my body. I pushed and kicked everyone who tried to tape me up. It took another soldier (from another team) who was bigger and stronger than me to knock me out. Imagine fighting for your life and losing. That was the beginning. I was the new guy. They also taped up another guy I came with, but not as bad. They didn’t tape his mouth shut like they did mine.
The experience split my soul into two realities. There was a daily reality and a purely mental reality. The reality I explained. The reality that motivated me to go to mental health so I could understand what this really was. Part of me thought this was another step in evolution.
I was later honorably discharged. My behavior at home was so erratic that my parents had to call the police. They took me away in handcuffs. It was a tough thing to get through, but I am grateful for that experience now because I got the treatment I deserved. I was finally on medication.
Antipsychotic Tangents
It got to this point…
The voices surrounded me like wasps in the spring.
Kissing women… the buzz of love
Beating in my chest.
Feast your eyes alone,
And hear God’s voice.
Whispers and tantrums,
Like bacon sizzling in your brain;
Finding rhythm in hallucinations
Depicting voices moving like a projector
Stopping and dispersing on a single green pill,
Creating a lonely circle.
This is my poem about schizophrenia. “It’s come to this” speeds the reader along. Sometimes the voices seem like wasps. Every sting is a voice. When I made eye contact with a woman, I would often feel a burning sensation in my chest, which I thought was because she was in love. The warm feeling was called the love buzz. Those who made eye contact with me could see me in their minds as “Lonely,” just as I could see them in my head. I also thought I could hear God’s voice. It was calming and soothing. Sometimes the voices were whispers and sometimes they seemed frantic. The voices that shared my brain could be likened to bacon sizzling in the background. The hallucinations in my mind raced with a rhythm like boom, boom, boom. Some voices could act as a projector, helping me weigh my delusions.
Stopping or perhaps dissolving into a green pill, an antipsychotic. When the medication starts to work and the voices and delusions subside, I think the person living with schizophrenia feels alone. They have been dependent on them for a long time and the voices probably make them feel important. I hope they don’t stop taking their medication.
How Can I Help My Family and Others Understand Schizophrenia
I am not a mental health professional. I have great respect for the profession.
I recently read an article about psychiatry. The first sentence describes how difficult it is for a person to accept that a loved one has a psychotic disorder.
I have never thought much about my family. How do they carry this burden? I am sure that part of this is whether the mental health consumer has a roof over their head or whether they are taking their medication. I am sure my parents would want me to communicate how I am feeling and whether I am taking my medication. They would also want to know that I need to be alone when I am feeling anxious, just as I would want to know that it is okay to take a few minutes to myself.
My family would also want to know that I am taking good care of myself. Your job as a mental health consumer is to tell your doctor that you are okay or that you have symptoms. You also need to continue taking your medications.
That sentence from the article I read may help others. If someone doesn’t understand what it’s like to know someone with a mental illness, ask them, “What would happen if your father, mother, brother, sister, husband, or wife was diagnosed with schizophrenia?”
Their world as they know it would be over. Many people don’t understand schizophrenia and they may not know who to talk to. My mother searched the internet and tried to find everything she could about it. There are different groups that a loved one can go to for help or even empathy.
If you don’t understand schizophrenia, just try to understand your family and friends. What are they going through? It’s important to know the simple truth that it’s no one’s fault.
If I were to describe schizophrenia, I would describe it this way: Schizophrenia is a struggle with false impulses. They just come to you. You have to constantly struggle with the unreal.
Sometimes I go to Arby’s. I order through the drive-thru. Monday is roast beef, Tuesday is turkey, Wednesday is roast chicken, and Thursday is meatloaf. There are also four sides and cake. I tell them what I want on any given day and immediately I think they’ve spit on my food or done something else. I look around the window to see if I can catch them red-handed. Nothing. I pay, get my food, and say thank you.
Schizophrenia is when you have a delusion or just a thought and don’t react because you don’t know if it’s true or not. Add stress to it and I can’t work. I can’t live a “normal” life because of it.
What is a “normal” life? When you have a mental illness, you have a rough definition.
Me, Myself, and I
Last night, people were walking up and down the stairs of my apartment building, trying to be quiet. I thought they were talking about me.
“Jason lives there.”
When I experience something like that, it’s very hard to think rationally. I get carried away.
When I hear voices talking negatively about me, I take a deep breath. Then I catch myself in the moment. Are people really talking about me? If you do, you’ll probably find that everything inside and outside your head is silent. Another way to cope is what my therapist told me, to check for evidence. I have a peephole in my front door. When I think something’s going on, I look through it. I look inside, and you know what, there’s no one there.
Think about this: If someone were talking about me outside my door right now, wouldn’t they whisper so I wouldn’t hear them?
When you think strangers are talking about you, you need coping skills.
If you have schizophrenia or any type of mental illness, you need to be in tune with yourself. You can be your own therapist or doctor without a psychiatry degree or a doctorate in psychology.
Being present in the moment is about being self-aware. Use your senses, listen, look through a peephole or window. If you’re on your medication, you probably won’t hear or see anything. Most of the time, you should know that people are minding their own business. They have their own worries and obligations. They probably have nothing to do with you.
My Stages of Recovery
The Stages of Recovery can be viewed as a checklist or a way to see how far you’ve come. A patient, doctor, or mental health professional can benefit from using it. I believe most patients go through these stages of recovery. It’s a tool that helps you see where your recovery begins. These stages can vary. They don’t have to be in order, but I think it’s a tool that is used to help a patient go through the work on their own.
Self-Awareness
I realized something was wrong in the military. I referred myself to mental health. I returned home with horrible symptoms, voices and hallucinations because I hadn’t taken my medication. I didn’t understand what was going on.
Getting Help
My family reported me. It’s better to come to your own conclusions. I was taken to the hospital and decided that if I was going to get help, it would be here.
Staying Stable
I found the right medication at the hospital. I decided that I wasn’t going to go off my medication.
Acceptance
At this stage, I accepted myself at a bar. I didn’t want to stay silent, but I talked to other people. I told other people at the bar that I was a disabled veteran and why. I didn’t know why I should be ashamed of my diagnosis. At this stage, I realized that some people might not accept me. I realized that I needed to test the waters in any public or social setting. I asked myself if I should tell this person, if not, there would be other things to talk about.
Protection
At this stage, I tried to do everything I had to do. I quit drinking and smoking. I took my medication. I was taking antipsychotic injections. After telling my therapist and doctor about my symptoms, my doctor suggested I take a different 2-week injection instead. I also take an oral antipsychotic. Sometimes we do everything we need to do, but we have symptoms. We have to protect. We can’t give up. We have to be aware of our symptoms and if they don’t belong, tell your doctor.
Accepting your mental illness or who you are can also be part of self-awareness. All while protecting and doing what you need to do.